这次前来是为了 So, this is for, uh,
《纽约时报杂志》写稿吗 New York Times Magazine?
不 抱歉 那... No. I'm sorry, that...
其实... there...
不 我是自由职业者 mm... no, I freelance.
我为很多杂志写稿 I write for different magazines,
但我这次是为私事来的 but this is a personal matter.
私事 A personal matter?
对 抱歉 可以吗 Yes, I'm sorry. Is that okay?
当然了 No, it's absolutely okay.
我能问一下是关于什么事吗 May I ask what-what this is regarding and...?
是我儿子的事 Uh, it's about my son.
好的 有什么我能帮忙的 Okay. How can I help?
他... He...
有时候我看着他 There are moments that I look at him,
那个我养大的孩子 this kid that I raised,
我以为我里里外外都很了解的孩子 who I thought I knew inside and out,
我会想 他到底是谁 and I wonder who he is.
他一直在摄入各种毒品 He's been doing all sorts of drugs,
但他现在对冰毒上瘾 but he's addicted to crystal meth,
那是毒品里最糟糕的一种 which seems, uh, to be the worst of all of 'em.
翻译：灰灰是菇凉
翻译：小酸奶
我来这里 And I guess I'm here
翻译：圈圈
校对：小酸奶
是因为我想知道 because I just want to know...
后期：8T
我可以对此 all that I can about...
做些什么 all of it.
了解你的敌人 对吧 Know your enemies, right?
所以... So...
我的两大问题是 My two big questions are,
那对他有何影响 wh-what is it doing to him,
我能做点什么来帮他 and what can I do to help him?
马林综合医院 请问有什么需要帮忙 Marin General Hospital. How may I help you?
你好 我儿子失踪了 Hi. My son has gone missing,
我想问问他是不是... and I wanted to check to see if he had...
有可能被送去医院 uh, maybe had been brought in
或者是不是出了什么事故 or-or if-if there'd been an accident.
请问姓名是什么 他是什么样子 Can I have name and description, sir?
尼古拉斯·谢菲 Nicolas Sheff.
感谢的谢 王菲的菲 S-h-e-f-f.
他... He is...
18岁 18 years old.
一米八多一点 He is just over six feet tall.
大概120斤 About 130 pounds.
也可能不到 我不清楚... Maybe less. I-I don't know. Um...
他留着齐肩棕色长发 He has shoulder-length brown hair
眼睛是绿色的 and green eyes.
谢谢 请稍等 Thank you. Please hold.
好的 Okay.
-谢菲先生 -我在 - Mr. Sheff? - Yes.
我们医院没有叫那个名字的病人 Uh, there's no one by that name, sir.
好的 谢谢 Okay. Thank you.
《美丽与毁灭》
他已经失踪两天了 He's been gone for two days.
你说他失踪是什么意思 What do you mean he's gone?
-出什么事了 -我不知道 - What's going on? - I don't know.
-我不知道 -两天 - I don't know. - Two days?
你怎么不早告诉我 Why didn't you tell me sooner?
因为我不想让你担心吧 Uh, I didn't want to worry you, I guess.
-我... -我是他母亲 大卫 - I just... - I'm his mother, David.
之前一点迹象都没有吗 Didn't you see this coming?
没有 Uh, no.
什么 What?
没有 一点迹象都没有 No, no, I didn't see it coming.
如果有迹象 我肯定会采取措施了 If I'd seen it coming, I would've done something.
我就随便问问而已 大卫 It was just a question, David. Jesus.
最近我没怎么跟他说话 I haven't been talking with him a lot lately.
所以在养儿子方面 轮不到你 Well, maybe that's why you shouldn't be giving me advice
给我建议 是吧 in parenting, right?
操 维姬 Fuck, Vicki.
我们能先别互相责备吗 这... Can we just not blame each other right now? That's...
到底是谁在责备谁 Who's blaming who here?
如果我几乎不怎么见他 那是因为他应该 If I hardly ever see him, it's because he's supposed
来洛杉矶过节 to come to L.A. for the holidays
但总是找理由不来 but always finds a reason not to come.
那不是我的错吧 Well, that's not my fault, is it?
尼克 Nic.
这是你弟弟 Here's your little brother.
抱好 Tight.
托住他的头 Just support his head.
你好 贾斯珀 Hi, Jasper.
你好 小家伙 Hi, little boy.
太神奇了 This is amazing.
他把舌头伸出来了 He's sticking his tongue out.
你好 很高兴见到你 Hi. Nice to meet you.
-拜拜 -拜拜 - Bye. - Bye.
-今年夏天我会想你的 -我也是 - I'll miss you this summer. - Me, too.
-要给我写信 -给我回信 - Okay, write me. - Write me back.
好好学法语 Work on your French.
遵命 女士 Oui, madame.
暑假愉快 Have a great summer.
代我向你妈妈问好 And say hi to your mom.
-一切 -一切 - Everything. - Everything.
漂亮男孩
来 Come on.
-你去哪儿了 -我只是需要睡觉 - Where have you been? - Yeah, I just need to sleep,
-好吗 -你干什么了 - all right? - What have you been doing?
我需要睡觉 好吗 别来烦我 I just need to sleep, all right? Leave me alone.
孩子们 去楼下 Guys, go downstairs.
我马上过去 I'll be there in a minute.
听着 老爸 我... Look, man, I'm-I'm, uh...
我真的很抱歉 知道吗 我... I'm really sorry, all right? And-and I, uh...
我搞砸了 那是个错误 但是... I fucked up, and it was a mistake, but...
只此一次 好吗 我吸取到教训了 it was a one-time mistake, all right? I learned my lesson.
我不想再经历这种破事了 好吗 所以... I don't want to go through this shit again, all right? So...
-我们进去吧 -不 - Let's just go inside. - No.
他们是专业人士 They're professionals.
我们去听听他们怎么说 Let's just listen to what they have to say.
我已经成年了好吗 你不能强迫我 Look, I'm 18, all right?! You can't force me!
这事已经失控了 好吗 This got out of hand, right?
你不这么觉得吗 Don't you think?
走吧 Come on.
好吧 All right.
好 好 Okay. Okay.
我是为了你才去的 I'm doing it for you.
他需要治疗 要快 He needs treatment. And fast.
他体内还是有很多药物 There's still a lot of drugs in his system.
最糟糕的是 他对此否认 And, worst of all, he's in denial.
你能帮他吗 Um, can you help him?
可以 我是说 Oh, yeah. I mean,
很多人都不是自愿来这里的 a lot of the people here are not here by choice.
他们的成功几率不会减少 And they have just as much chance as anybody.
好的 Okay.
我们免费提供床位 So, we have a free bed.
如果你想 我们可以让他参加为期28天的治疗 So, if you want, we can check him in for a 28-day treatment
然后评估治疗结果 and then we evaluate.
你们的成功率是多少 What is your success rate?
最高的时候有80% On the high end, 80%.
最低的时候嘛 On the low end,
是25% 25%.
他每天都会参加 Look, he will have daily consultations
全职精神科医生的咨询 with a staff psychiatrist and physician.
我们每天都有匿名戒瘾会 We have daily N.A. And A.A. Meetings.
他会得到密切观察 He'll be monitored very closely.
谢谢 Thank you.
最后一页 And last page.
一切 Everything.
你为什么总在这个房间里 Why are you always in this room?
你几乎不出去 You hardly ever come out of here.
就好像你是个吸血鬼 It's like you're a vampire.
我看书 I read.
我画画 I draw.
你知道我们该做什么吗 You know what we should do?
我们该去冲浪 We should go surfing.
是啊 Yeah.
听起来不错吧 That sound good?
我现在喜欢别的东西了 I'm kind of into other things now, you know?
看重度抑郁又厌世的作家的作品 Reading misanthropes and seriously depressed writers.
别这样 他们 Oh, come on, they're...
其实他们很棒 对吧 they're kind of great, though, right?
我明白 I get it.
不过会过去的 It'll pass, though.
总是如此 It always does.
什么 What does?
那种孤独脱离的感觉 The feeling of being alienated and isolated.
这真有帮助 Huh, that really helps.
谢谢你的建议 爸 Thanks for the advice, Dad.
好吧 Okay.
好吧 我... All right. That was...
我不是那个意思 抱歉 That came out wrong. I'm sorry.
好吧 你的...你的主意 All right. Your-your idea.
爸 Hey, Dad.
看来他取得了巨大的进步 So, we feel he's made great progress.
-是吧 尼克 -嗨 - Right, Nic? - Hi.
-好极了 -好极了 - That's great. - That's great.
我们应该谈谈未来的几周 尼克 So we should maybe talk about the coming weeks, Nic.
我觉得我需要... Mm. I think I need to...
我觉得我需要再去戒瘾所待一段时间 如果... I think I need a little bit more time in rehab. So if it's...
如果你们不介意 我想问问 if it's all right with you guys, I was wondering
我能不能去这里的康复中心 if I could stay in the halfway house here.
康复中心是一处开放的生活设施 The halfway house is an open living facility
每晚都有随访 with follow-up every night,
我们会帮他找份工作 and we would help him find a job.
对 我现在不想... Right. I don't want to...
-上大学 -是吗 - go to college... right now. - Oh?
好吧 那干什么 Okay. Uh, um, and do what?
我觉得我需要独立 I think I need to be independent.
爸 我跟你说 这... Dad, I'm telling you, this is...
会有好结果的 It's gonna be good.
他要干什么 What is he gonna do,
下半辈子都给人泡咖啡吗 make coffee for the rest of his life?
知道吗 弗雷德里克告诉我 You know what, Frederick told me
他们朋友的儿子 that they have friends that had a son
参加了为期四周的项目后还不够 that did a four-week program and that wasn't enough
现在又参加一年的项目了 and now he's doing a year program.
你不要把这件事到处跟人说 I wish you wouldn't talk to everybody about it.
这有什么关系 What does that got to do with anything?
要保护尼克 总有一天 To protect Nic. I mean, at some point,
他会想继续自己的生活 he's gonna want to get on with his life.
所以还是不要闹得人尽皆知为好 And maybe it's best that not everybody knows about this.
好吧 Okay.
能别把话题转移到我身上吗 Can we not make this about me?
好吧 Uh... All right.
尼克还需要一些时间 Look, Nic needs some more time.
这没问题 And that's fine.
-好吗 -好 - Okay? - Okay.
好吗 Okay?
好 Yeah, okay.
大卫·谢菲 David Sheff.
谢菲先生 你好 Hi, Mr. Sheff.
我是奥洛夫中心的安妮·戈德布拉姆 This is Annie Goldblum from the Ohlhoff Center.
这样 你好 Oh, yes. Hi. Hello.
很抱歉打扰你 Listen, I am sorry to disturb you,
但我需要通知你尼克的事 but I need to inform you about Nic.
好 Okay.
今天他在自由时间时离开了我们中心 He left the facility today during free time,
此后一直未归 and he hasn't returned since.
很抱歉 谢菲先生 I'm sorry, Mr. Sheff,
请你不要难受 but please don't despair.
这种事经常发生 This happens.
但我... But I...
我以为你说他现在进展很好 I thought you said he was doing so well.
你应该把这看做康复的一部分 You should think of this as part of the process.
复发是康复的一部分 Relapse is a part of recovery.
复发是康复的一部分 Relapse is part of recovery?
对 这是尼克学习过程的一部分 Yeah. It-it's a part of Nic's learning process.
这... Well, uh, that's...
这就好比说坠机是飞行员训练的一部分 that's like saying crashing is part of pilot training.
他会回来的 可能很快就回来了 Look, he'll be back, and probably really quick.
有人出去找过他吗 Do you have somebody out looking for him?
他一旦离开这里 It is not our responsibility
就不再是我们的责任了 once he leaves the facility.
-好吧 -但我们欢迎... - Okay. - But he is welcome to...
不好意思 Excuse me.
请问你见过一个孩子在附近闲逛吗 Have you seen a kid hanging out around here?
-没有 -没有吗 - No. - No?
好吧 谢谢 Okay, thank you.
他们肯定不想面对那个 Wow. They don't want to deal with that.
爸 你想抽这个吗 Hey, Dad, you want to smoke this?
慢着 什么 别这样 Wait. What...? Stop.
-拿走 -我们一起抽 - Put that away. - We'll smoke this together.
不不不 你疯... No, no, no. No. Are you cra...
-这太疯狂了 -我知道你抽 - That's crazy. - Well, I know you smoke.
-是...我... -那我们一起来抽 - Y... Well, yeah. I... - So let's smoke together.
不不不 偶尔... No, no, no. Occasionally, like...
-我们一起...一起抽 -听着 - Look, let's smoke to... let's smoke together. - Listen.
-还是说我...知道吗 -不 停 停 - Or I could just... You know what? - No, stop it, stop it.
-停 停 -那我自己... - Stop. Stop. - I'll just light it here a...
知道吗 你说得对 You know what? You're right.
我自己抽吧 I'll just light it here alone.
不要 偶尔 Don't. Occasionally,
-就是偶尔... -嗯 - from time to time... - Yeah?
我会在派对上抽个一两根 I will have a hit or two at a party,
但都有段时间了 所以... but it's been a while, so just...
好 那就... Oh, okay, so then just smoke...
跟你儿子一起抽一根庆祝一下 have-have a celebratory joint with your son.
不 天啊 拜托 N-No. God, come on.
不 你太棒了 No. No, you're amazing.
你...你申请了六所大学 You got... you applied to six colleges,
结果全中了吗 you got into all of them?
是的 Yeah.
不要怀疑自己了 Stop doubting yourself.
看看你 Look at you.
给我 给我 Give me that. Give me that.
怎么 What?
不错 这口抽得不错 Nice-nice hit. That was a good hit.
-怎么 -就... - What? - Well...
谢谢 一起抽烟... Thank you. This is a nice...
感觉很好 thing to do.
你以前经常吸 是吗 You did a lot of drugs, right?
我... I, uh...
对 我是吸过 Yeah, I did my share.
我是吸过毒 I experimented with some drugs.
没错 I did.
-但不是无害 -怎么... - But not harmless. - What, is this...?
有个人...不不 There was a guy, and... No, no.
开始说教了吗 This is the lecture part?
-是吗 -对 - Right? - Yes.
爸 你杞人忧天了 Dad, you worry too much, all right?
-大家都吸 -记得要小心 - Everyone does it. -Just be careful.
就是点大麻 我只是偶尔嗨一下 It's just a little pot. I'm just partying a little.
只是...只是偶尔抽一抽 It's just... you know, it's just once in a while.
嗯 Mm-hmm.
偶尔嗨一下是我应得的 I deserve to party a little now.
-应得的 -是的 -"Deserve to party." -I do.
只是...让我放松放松 Look, it just... it takes the edge off things.
让我...从傻逼现实中解脱一下 It-it... it-it takes the edge off of stupid all-day reality.
现实怎么傻逼了 What is stupid about reality?
就是... You know, just like...
有很多无关紧要的傻逼事 like daily, stupid things that don't matter.
好吧 Okay.
你不能说这种傻话 You cannot say dumb shit like that,
否则你会开始相信的 or you're gonna start believing it.
好吧 Right.
冰毒
极易上瘾 注射 刺激...
冰毒能让人的情绪快速改变 例如 吸食冰毒的人可能变得暴力易怒
谢谢你把东西带来 凯伦 Thanks for bringing that, Karen.
这就是我的家了 This is my home.
几周前 你告诉我 A couple of weeks ago, you told me
你只吸食过一次冰毒 that you had only done crystal meth once.
可是不止如此 对吗 And the story has to be bigger than that, right?
-嗯 -你没说实话 - Mm-hmm. - There's more to it.
是吗 Yeah?
大卫 David.
我们需要知道 We need to know.
我一直都很喜欢 I think I always liked it.
什么 What?
都喜欢 大麻 酒精 Anything. Pot, alcohol,
摇头丸 可卡因 邮票 Ecstasy, cocaine, LSD.
你已经吸食这些 And you've been doing all of that
很多年了吗 for what... years?
是有几年了 A couple years, yeah.
冰毒呢 And crystal meth?
只有几个月 Just a couple months.
为什么 Wh-Why?
我不知道 I don't know.
我吸的时候 感觉... When I tried it, I felt...
感觉比以往都好 所以... I felt better than I ever had, so...
我就一直吸了 I just kept on doing it.
我还担心你吸太多大麻 I was worried that you were smoking too much pot.
可你却早就把地球上的毒品吸了个遍 Meanwhile, you're out doing every drug on the planet?
还隐瞒 说谎 And hiding it and lying?
为什么 Why?
-我不知道... -为什么 - I don't know. Um... - Why?
-尼克 告诉我为什么 -别激动 - Nic, tell me why. - Ease up.
-我不知道 -我还以为我们很亲近 - I don't know. - I thought we were close.
我以为我们比多数父子都亲近 I thought we were closer than most fathers and sons.
我感觉你总是对我很失望 Yeah, I feel like you're always disappointed in me.
我没去念大学你很失望 You're disappointed I didn't go to college.
这能怪我吗 Can you blame me?!
就在不久之前 Just, uh, not too long ago,
你还看书写作 而且还 you were reading and you were writing, and you were
参加了水球队 on the water polo team.
可是看看我们现在 And look at us now.
-爸爸 -这不是我们 - Dad... -This isn't us.
-我们不是这样的 -你们两个 拜托 停下 - This is not who we are. - Just, please, both of you, stop.
爸 对发生的一切我真的很抱歉 Dad, I'm really sorry about everything.
爸 我真的... Dad, I'm so...
我真的很抱歉 爸 I'm really sorry, Dad.
尼克 你有的... Nic, what you have...
你还会再找到的 ...you're gonna find it again.
都会回来的 And you're gonna get it back.
去吧 Ow. There you go.
尼克 Nic!
爸 Hey, Dad.
纽约如何 How's New York?
还行 不错 Fine. Good.
今天的面试很不错 Good interview today.
-那就好 -你好吗 - Nice. - How are you?
我很好 真的 Oh, I'm-I'm doing good. Yeah.
是吗 确定吗 Yeah? You sure?
嗯 我不... Yeah. I don't... well...
什么 What?
就是... It's, uh...
怎么了 What's going on?
我们有个很棒的治疗小组 Uh, we had this great group session,
其中一个人说他愿意不惜一切 and one of the guys here was saying he would do anything
换取上大学的机会 但他没机会了 for a chance to go to college, but he can't.
-好 -后来我们聊天的时候他说 - Okay. - And when we were talking later, he said,
"你还有机会上大学 别傻 "You could still go to college. Don't be an idiot.
去上大学" Go to college."
怎么说呢 反正很疯狂 I don't know, it's just crazy.
我意识到我不该停滞不前 I realized I don't think I should stay behind.
我喜欢写作 I love writing.
我觉得我很擅长 And I feel like I'm good at it,
我经常写 但是... and I do it a lot, but...
显然 我还有很多 obviously, there's still a lot
需要学习的... for-for me to learn and...
总之... Anyway, um...
我想试试 如果... I'd love to give it a go, if...
如果你们不介意的话 you know, if it's all right with you guys.
好 我跟凯伦和你妈妈说 Yeah. I'll talk to Karen and to your mom.
在后面 Back here.
你见过你的室友了吗 Have you met your roommate yet?
见过了 他人好像不错 Yeah, he seems nice.
他在大厅里 He's just in the hall.
不过我很同情你 I feel for you, though.
真受不了 Ouch.
不用担心 我会教育他的 No worries. I'll educate him.
先告诉你一声 他会听约翰·佐恩 Before you know it, he'll be listening to John Zorn.
好了 我得走了 Well, I better get going.
好 All right.
-一切 -一切 - Everything. - Everything.
这是查尔斯·布可夫斯基的诗 So, this is a poem by Charles Bukowski.
这个人好几次救了我的命 所以... Uh, this man saved my life multiple times, so...
"我换了工作和城市 "I changed jobs and cities,
我讨厌节日 "I hated holidays,
婴儿 历史 "Babies, history,
报纸 博物馆 祖母 "Newspapers, museums, grandmothers,
婚姻 电影 蜘蛛..." marriage, movies, spiders..."
让我看看 让我看看 I want to see it, I want to see it! Oh!
"清洁工" "...garbagemen,
-"英式口音" -漂亮 继续 来来 - "English accents... - Nice. Go, go, go!
"西班牙 法国 "...Spain, France,
意大利 胡桃 橙色 "Italy, walnuts and the color orange.
代数让我愤怒 歌剧让我恶心 "Algebra angered me, opera sickened me,
查理·卓比林就是骗子 "Charlie Chaplin was a fake
鲜花是给娘炮的" and flowers were for pansies."
谢谢 Thanks.
过来 Come here.
卫生间在哪里 Where's your bathroom?
我可以用一下卫生间吗 Hey, is there a bathroom I can use?
当然 亲爱的 Sure, honey.
我指给你看 I'll show you where it is.
在上面 左边 Go right up, to the left.
-爸 -尼克 - Hey, Dad. - Hey, Nic.
你还好吗 怎么样 How you doing? What's going on?
这里一切都很棒 Oh, no, everything's going great here, yeah.
谢谢你给我寄钱 Oh, hey, thanks for sending the money.
真的很感谢 I really appreciate that.
更安全地注射
我们爱你 尼克 欢迎
对 你一直都霸占奶酪火锅 Yeah, you always hog the fondue.
帕特里克和菲尔明天要去远足 Oh, uh, Patrick and Phil are going hiking tomorrow,
他们想让我们一起去 so they'd like us to join them.
贾斯珀和黛西在吗 Are Jasper and Daisy here, by any...?
-他们不在 -不在吗 - They're not here. -No?
-不在 -他们不想看到我吗 - No. - Oh, they didn't want to see me?
-对 他们不想看到你 -真伤心啊 - No, they didn't want to see you. - Oh, that's tough to hear.
那我就在这个沙发上坐下 Uh, well, I'm gonna just have a seat on this couch
反省一下吧 and think about that, huh?
天啊 天啊 是黛西 Oh, my God! Oh, my God, it's Daisy!
贾斯珀 Oh, Jasper!
天啊 你们都长这么大了 Oh, my God, you guys have gotten so much bigger!
天啊 你们真... Oh! Oh, my God, you're so...!
-好 -丹麦 1632年 - Okay. - Denmark, 1632.
-不 -我们... - Oh, no. - We...
回想一下呼啦圈的历史 Like to look back at the history of Hula-Hoops.
这对和平与智慧的文化很重要 So important to, uh, the culture of peace and wisdom.
一个 Um, a man
-叫乔治的人... -霍普璐 - named George... - Hoopulu.
他... Was, uh... was, uh...
他想... And he thought...
"我要发明一个我... "Well, I'm going to develop something that I..."
我想问问 今晚我能用用你的车吗 I was wondering, do you think I could use your car tonight?
我...我想去赴约 'Cause I just... I want to go to a meeting.
你今晚有约吗 Oh. You got a meeting tonight?
是的 Yeah, sure.
你还好吗 Y-You good?
嗯 就是... Yeah. I just...
-他们太疯了 -是啊 - They're crazy. - Yeah.
你回家他们真的很高兴 They're really excited you're home.
-明天早上见了 -好 - I mean, I'll see you in the morning, I guess. - Okay.
好 All right.
好的 Yep! Mm!
在哪里 Where is it?!
我没拿 I don't have it!
在哪里 Where is it?!
我没拿 I don't have it!
孩子们 孩子们 Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys.
在哪里 Where is it?!
-孩子们 停下 -我不知道 - Guys, guys, stop it. - I don't know!
停下 冷静 怎么回事 Stop. Calm down. What's going on in here?
她拿了我的钱 She took my money!
我没有 I didn't.
好了 我们下楼 Okay, all right. Come on, go downstairs
-去找妈妈 好吗 -你拿了 - and see Mommy, all right? - You took them!
别这样 停下 停下 Don't, don't, don't. Stop, stop.
-我没拿 爸爸 -我知道你没拿 好了 - I didn't take it, Daddy. - I know you didn't. All right.
下楼去吃点早餐吧 Just go downstairs and have some breakfast.
怎么回事 Hey, what happened?
不见了 They're gone.
好 你确定是放在那里了吗 Okay. Are you sure you had it in there?
-确定 昨天我还看到了 -好 - Yeah. I had them yesterday. - Okay.
贾斯珀存的钱不见了 Jasper's savings disappeared.
是吗 这就怪了 Yeah? That's weird.
你拿了他的八块钱吗 Did you take his eight dollars?
什么 What?
你听到了 You heard me.
我为什么那么做 Why would I?
钱不见了 肯定是有人拿了 It disappeared, and somebody has to have done it.
所以就是我咯 Right, so it's me.
简直太搞笑了 This is fucking ridiculous.
你复吸了吗 Are you using again?
我复吸了吗 没有 Am I using again? No.
你现在嗨着吗 Are you high right now?
搞...没有 What the f...? No.
-我操 -"我操" - Fuck you. - "Fuck you"?
不许那样跟我说话 Don't talk to me that way.
你现在嗨着吗 Are you high right now?
没有 No.
你现在没有吸毒吗 You're not using right now?
你在吸毒吗 Are you using?
没有 爸 我现在没有吸毒吸嗨 No, Dad, I'm not fucking high right now!
好吧 Okay.
听着 送你去念大学是一场赌博 Listen, it was a gamble to send you to college.
大家都支持 Everybody supported it.
我很高兴你去了 I'm glad that you went.
复发是康复的一... Relapse is a part of rec...
复发是康复的一部分 Relapse is part of recovery.
-所以我们打算带你... -我还是走吧 - So we're gonna get... - I better leave.
大卫 David?
等等 你要去哪里 Just... where-where are you gonna go?
你不能就这么走了 这是在干什么 You can't just leave. This is ridiculous.
-别这样 -你愿意跟我们谈谈吗 - Come on. - Will you talk to us?
真的 我们只是想跟你谈谈 I mean, really... we just want to talk to you.
为什么不试着让我们理解你 Why don't... Try to help us understand.
-让我们帮帮你 -好吗 - Or just let us help you. - All right?
我不需要你们的帮助 你们还不明白吗 I don't want your fucking help. Don't you understand that?
-不是的 -不 你们不明白 老天 - No. - No, you don't. Jesus Christ,
那你们到底有什么毛病 then what the fuck is wrong with you, then, huh?
-你们见鬼的到底有什么毛病 -尼克 - What the hell is wrong with you people? - Nic.
不 你们他妈的让我无法呼吸 No! You fucking suffocate me.
你们他妈的让我无法呼吸 You fucking suffocate me!
你说我们吗 问题出在我们身上吗 Whoa, it's us? We're the problem?
不 问题都是你造成的 No. You know what, you're the one who's doing it!
问题都是你造成的 You're the one who's causing it!
也只有你才能让这个问题不再继续下去 And you're the only one who can stop it!
解决这个问题 Fucking solve it!
操 Fuck!
没事的 一切都很好
止痛药对人体有什么伤害 止痛药对人体有什么伤害 有什么伤害
几个月过去了 你开始忘了你为何要保持清醒 我告诉自己我没有彻底失控 可我头疼 止痛药对人体有什么伤害
我发现毒品会让我的世界 从黑白变成五光十色 我永远不可能放弃毒品 所以我只说那些他们想听的话
事态很快变得越来越糟
我摄入的毒品越多 我做的令人羞耻的事就越多 然后我就摄入更多毒品来逃避现实
要想回头已经太迟了
在这很难搞到安非他命 找了点海洛因
所以我只能继续下去 再也不回头
这次前来是为了 So, this is for the, uh,
纽约时报杂志写稿吗 New York Times Magazine?
不 Oh, no.
我 我是作家 I'm a... I-I write.
我为很多杂志写稿 I freelance for different magazines,
但我这次 这次是为私事来的 but this is... this is a personal matter.
-私事 -对 抱歉 - A personal matter? - Yes. I'm sorry.
-可以吗 -当然了 - Is that okay? - Uh, no, it's absolutely okay.
我能问一下是关于什么事吗 May I ask what-what this is regarding?
是我儿子的事 Uh, it's about my son.
好的 Okay.
他一直在摄入各种毒品 He's been doing all sorts of drugs,
但他现在对冰毒上瘾 but he's addicted to crystal meth,
那是毒品里最糟糕的一种 which seems, uh, to be the worst of all of them.
我来这里 And I guess I'm here
是因为我想知道我可以 because I just want to know all that I can
对此做些什么 about all of it.
冰毒 So, uh, crystal meth, uh,
会让吸食者产生即刻的欣快感 gives the user a feeling of instant euphoria--
至少在摄入的时候是这样 at least, when he takes it.
但当毒品在体内耗尽时 You know, but when it wears off,
会消耗人体内高达60%的多巴胺 with a depletion of as much as 60% of the dopamine
吸食者就必须加大剂量 the user has to up the doses.
他必须用双倍 三倍的剂量才能有一点感觉 He has to double it, triple it just to feel something,
这会造成更多神经损伤 causing even more nerve damage,
使得吸食者有更强烈的冲动继续吸食 which, uh, increases the compulsion to use.
可怕的恶性循环 Horrible cycle.
在干什么 What's up?
查点东西 Just doing some research.
你好 Hi.
你饿了吗 Are you hungry?
想吃点东西吗 You want to get something?
大多数男人只会让我给他们口 Most guys just ask me for a blow job.
不 不 我想给你弄点东西吃 Oh, no. No, I'm just offering something to eat.
如果你愿意的话 我们可以聊一会儿 Maybe talk a little, if you're up to it.
安非他命会对大脑造成实质性的伤害 Meth changes the brain physically.
现在我们看到的是摄入冰毒的人 Here we see the loss of dopamine receptors
大脑中缺失的多巴胺受体 in a meth user's brain.
我给你看看别的 Now, I'm gonna show you something else here.
看到了吗 这边有两个红色的 Do you see, uh, right here there are these two red, uh...
-很大的斑点 -看到了 - large, red spots right here? - Yeah.
这表明大脑中的杏仁体过度活跃 Okay, what that shows is hyperactivity in the amygdala.
杏仁体是大脑中的一个 And the amygdala is a region of the brain
与焦虑和恐惧有关的区域 that is linked with anxiety and fear.
这里的杏仁体在尖叫 Here the amygdala is screaming.
这告诉我们 What this shows us
从生物学角度出发 is that there is a biological basis,
摄入冰毒的人可能无法 uh, that meth users may be unable--
不是不愿意 而是无法 not unwilling, but unable--
参与正常的治疗计划 to participate in normal treatment programs.
我也戒过毒 I was in rehab, too.
三次 Three times.
每次最后都逃走了 Ran away every time.
为什么 Why?
那里就是地狱 It was hell.
我想死 Wanted to die.
为什么觉得那里是地狱 Why was it hell?
都整天扯什么上帝的鬼话 All that God shit.
你根本不知道毒品上头的时候 Also, you just don't know how good it gets
是多美妙的感觉 when it gets good.
很难解释 It's hard to explain.
感觉像可卡因 Feels like cocaine
但是刺激程度强一千倍 but multiplied by, like, a thousand.
一百万倍 Or, like, a million.
这对尼克来说意味着什么 What does this mean for Nic?
听着 谢菲先生 我... Look, Mr. Sheff, I...
我不知道到别人对你承诺过多少希望 I don't know who promised you what,
但是戒掉冰毒的成功率是个位数 but the success percentage is in the single digits.
好吧 Okay.
那你父母呢 What about your parents?
他们怎么了 What about them?
你不觉得他们会担心你吗 Don't you think they're worried about you?
你不应该 Shouldn't you...
告诉他们... let them know that...
他们不在乎 They don't care.
我觉得他们在乎 Well, I think they do.
你他妈怎么知道 What the fuck do you know?
我走了 I gotta go.
好吧 Oh. Okay.
谢了 Thanks.
老天 God.
我要跟你说克林贡语 I'm gonna try some Klingon on you.
出自《星际迷航》
准备好了吗 Ready?
-你知道我说了什么吗 -我可以喝可乐吗 - You know what I said? - May I have a Coca-Cola?
没错 Exactly.
就是这个 That's it.
我问的就是这个 That's exactly what I asked.
我可以喝可乐吗 Can I have a Coca-Cola?
好吧 如果你用克林贡语问我 All right. If you ask me in Klingon,
我可能会给你买一杯 maybe I'll get you a Coke.
这里一点都没变 This hasn't changed at all.
这个地方 This place.
你过得怎么样 So, how you doing?
我过得很好 I'm doing great.
就是 You know, just, um...
做些该做的事 just doing what needs to be done.
什么意思 What does that mean?
对自己负责 还有... Just being responsible for myself and...
我自己在戒毒 I've quit on my own, you know, so...
已经五天了 I got five days now.
我感觉很好 只是我 I feel like I'm doing well, but I just need, um...
我需要几百块 I just need a few hundred bucks, though.
尼克 我不能给你钱 Nic, I can't give you any money.
好 Yeah.
好吧 Okay.
我只要两百块 It's just 200 bucks. I just need, um...
我得整理整理 I just need to get some shit together.
我想去纽约 I want to go to New York.
-纽约 -对 - New York? - Yeah.
我得离开旧金山 I need to get out of San Francisco.
这里有太多... There's too many...
总会给我带来不好的影响 All these fucking bad vibes here all the time.
我只要几百块钱 Yeah, I just need a few hundred bucks.
我们不如吃点午餐一起聊聊 Why don't we just have lunch and talk?
-这样好吗 -嗯 - We can do that, right? - Mm.
凯伦和孩子们 他们怎么样 How... how's Karen and, uh... and the kids?
还好 他们一直在问你的事 Okay. They ask about you.
他们下周要升学了 他们肯定很希望你... It's their step-up next week, and I know they'd love you...
爸 你又想利用我的负罪感了 对吧 Dad, you're, uh... you're guilt-tripping me, all right?
没有 我只是说 No, I'm just saying...
我应该厌恶自己 I should feel horrible about myself.
我知道他们想让你在场而已 I know they wanted you to be there, that's all.
对不起 爸 I'm sorry, Dad.
我只是想要点钱 行吗 Um... I just need some fucking money, all right?
所以拜托你给我那该死的钱 So please just give me some fucking money.
然后呢 什么时候才是个头 And then what? Where does this end?
这是...我得试一次 This is... I got to see this one through.
现在看来是有效果的 This is kind of working out for me right now.
-我已经五天不吸了 -这看起来 - I got five days sober. - It doesn't look
不会成功的 尼克 like it's working out, Nic.
看起来不会成功 Oh, it doesn't look like it's working out?
-那然后呢 去治疗 -不 - So what, then, therapy? Huh? - No.
-你可以回家 -不 - You can come home. - No.
-那不... -我们可以的 求你了 - That wouldn't... - We'll make it work. Please.
尼克 Nic.
求你了 Please.
-我一直在调研 -你在他妈的做调研 - I've been doing some research. - Been doing fucking research?
-你在逗我吧 爸 -没有 - You got to be kidding me, Dad. - No...
你觉得一切都在你掌控之中 You think that you have this under control.
我也知道你有多害怕 And I understand how scared you are.
我明白我为什么这么做 但是 I understand why I do things-- it doesn't make me
知道原因根本没用 我只想疯 any different, all right? I'm attracted to craziness.
你只是感到难堪 因为我以前 And you're just embarrassed, 'cause I was, like, you know...
我以前就像是你的 I was, like, this amazing thing,
骄傲 或是什么宝贝 like, your special creation or something,
-你不喜欢现在的我 -是吗 - and you don't like who I am now. - Yeah?
-你现在是谁 尼克 -这就是我 爸 - Who are you, Nic? - This is me, Dad.
看吧 这就是我 Here. This is who I am.
你不喜欢眼前的我吗 You don't like what you see?
知道吗 我越想越觉得 You know, the more I think about it...
当初应该让妈妈得到监护权 Mom should've gotten custody.
因为你总是 Because you always gotta be fucking
要时时刻刻控制我 controlling everything all the time.
你有理由对我生气 尼克 我过去做错了 You're allowed to be mad at me, Nic. I made mistakes.
我明白 我也希望能重来 但我做错了 I understand that. I wish that I hadn't, but I did.
但是 老天啊 你现在说的 But, God, what you're saying right now
-没有道理 -你现在还在这么做 - doesn't make any sense. - You're doing this right now!
-你现在就在控制我 -这不是你 - You're fucking controlling me right now! - It's not you.
这不是你 尼克 是毒品影响了你 It is not you, Nic. It is the drugs talking.
这他妈是什么意思 What does that even fucking mean, huh?
心理恐怖 Psychological terror.
-毒瘾会造成心理恐怖 -你他妈 - It's what addicts do. - What the fuck
在干什么 are you doing right now, huh?
这是什么 你在干什么 What is this? What are you doing, huh?
天啊 Oh, man.
我不想这样的 I didn't want it to go like this.
好吧 All right.
我该走了 爸 I should go, Dad.
-我...我给你订个房间吧 -不 爸 - Let me... let me book you a room. - No, Dad.
-给你在酒店订几晚 -不 爸 - At a hotel for a couple of nights. - No. Dad...
-我们吃点东西 -爸 我得走了 - Why don't we just go get some food? - Dad, I should go.
至少跟我说声再见 Can you say good-bye, at least?
再见 爸 Bye, Dad.
他在哪里睡觉 Where does he sleep?
不用担心这个 亲爱的 Um, don't worry about that, sweetie.
他没事的 He's fine.
也许他睡在他朋友那里 Maybe he has a friend and he sleeps there.
-海豚 -嗯 也许吧 - Dolphin. - Yeah. Maybe.
-希望是吧 -还需要E开头的 - Hope so. - Need "E."
大象 Elephant.
我能给他打电话吗 Can I call him?
不能 我打过了 No. I tried.
-他的电话接不通 -我能给他发短信吗 - His phone's disconnected. - Can I send him a message?
也许等他感到孤独就会开机了 Maybe he'll get lonely and turn his phone back on?
好想法 That's a good idea.
我们等等看 Yeah. Let's try that.
大卫 Dave.
-在 -我们走吧 - Yeah? - Okay. Let's go.
大卫 闭上眼睛 Hey, Dave, close your eyes.
好 Okay.
张开 And... open 'em!
喂 Hello?
我是纽约贝尔维尤医院的朱莉·福特 This is Julie Ford at the Bellevue Hospital in New York.
尼克·谢菲是你的儿子吗 Is Nic Sheff your son?
谢菲先生 Uh, Mr. Sheff,
抱歉没有接到你的电话 I'm sorry we missed each other earlier.
尼克目前依然会出现呼吸抑制的情况 So, Nic is still experiencing some respiratory depression,
但他的生命体征正在恢复 but his vital signs are returning.
先生 我们准备起飞了 Sir, we're ready for departure.
好的 好的 Okay, okay.
我能跟他讲话吗 Um... may I talk to him?
-不 不可以 -先生 请您关闭手机 - No, that won't be possible. - Sir, I need you to turn off the phone.
相信我 我们不应该将他唤醒 Believe me, we shouldn't wake him up.
我们可以过几个小时再说 Try again in a few hours, though, okay?
-好的 那你帮我告诉他 -先生 先生 - Okay. Uh, would you let him know that... - Sir. Sir.
-请您关机 -请你告诉他我在过去的路上了 - Please. - Would you please let him know that I'm on my way?
他出院了 He checked out.
什么 What?
不顾医嘱 Against doctor's orders.
-不 他吸毒过量了 -抱歉 先生 - No, no, he O.D.'d. - I'm sorry, sir.
他拔掉了点滴和导尿管自行离开了 He pulled out the I.V. and catheter, and left.
多久前 How long ago?
十到十五分钟前 Ten to 15 minutes.
我很抱歉 先生 I'm sorry, sir.
喂 Yes.
我想过了 Look, I've thought about it,
我再也不碰毒品了 and I'm done with drugs.
到此为止了 This is it.
我保证 爸 I'm telling you, Dad.
我再也不碰了 I'm done.
那要怎么做呢 And how would that work?
刚发生了这种事 I mean, after what just happened.
突发新闻
如果你正在当地 Now, if you're in the area,
疏散通知和细节 evacuation orders and details,
包括安置中心 可以在... including relocation centers, can be found on...
3点 我们和密西西比州 So, at 3:00, we have a conference call
负责安置的人有电话会议 with the intake people in Mississippi.
就播报到这里 That's all for now.
3点半和新墨西哥州开会 3:30, the one in New Mexico.
4点和俄勒冈州开会 4:00, the one in Oregon.
我查了下新墨西哥州的那家安置中心 I did some research on the one in New Mexico.
他们一个月收费四万 They charge $40,000 a month.
那家评分不好 You know, it's not even that well rated.
略过那家吧 We'll just skip that one.
如果洛杉矶这边有个空余的床位 Listen, if a spot opens up here in Los Angeles,
那可能就是最好的解决方案了 maybe that's the best solution for now.
-我一小时内会收到他们的回复 -好 - I'll hear back from them in an hour. - Mm.
休息一下吧 大卫 Give it a rest, David.
不如让我来处理吧 Why don't you let me take over for now?
爸 Dad?
在 Yeah.
你每过十五分钟来看一下我好吗 Will you check on me every 15 minutes?
好 Yes.
*闭上眼睛* *Close your eyes*
*不要害怕* *Have no fear*
*怪兽已经不在了* *The monster's gone*
*他逃跑了* *He's on the run*
*爸爸在呢* *And your daddy's here*
*漂亮 漂亮* *Beautiful, beautiful*
*漂亮* *Beautiful*
*漂亮男孩* *Beautiful boy*
*漂亮 漂亮* *Beautiful, beautiful*
*漂亮* *Beautiful*
*漂亮男孩* *Beautiful boy*
恐龙要带上吗 Do you want to bring one of your dinosaurs, too?
*你过马路的时候* *Before you cross the street*
书呢 How about a book?
*牵住我的手* *Take my hand*
不要吗 好吧 No? Okay.
你准备好了吗 You ready?
给我个拥抱 Can I have a hug?
不要吗 No?
为什么 Why not?
你生气了吗 Are you mad at me?
因为你必须得走 'Cause you have to go?
好吧 Okay.
但是你见到妈妈会很开心 对吗 Well... you'll be happy to see Mommy, though, right?
你要记住我说的话 I want you to know something.
等你回来 我会在这里等你 When you come back, I'm gonna be here...
我会在这里等你 right... I'm gonna be right here for you.
好吗 Okay?
你想我了就给我打电话 我会打给你 And call me when you miss me, and I'll call you.
你知道我有多爱你吗 Do you know how much I love you?
世上所有言语加起来 If you could take all the words in the language,
都无法形容我对你的爱 it still wouldn't describe how much I love you.
你把所有语句拼凑在一起 And if you could gather all those words together,
也无法形容我对你的感情 it still wouldn't describe what I feel for you.
我对你的爱就是一切 What I feel for you is everything.
我对你的爱超越了一切 I love you more than everything.
一切 Everything?
对 一切 Yeah, everything.
这是我妈妈 That's my mom.
你来洛杉矶我很高兴 I'm really glad you came to L.A.
你知道的吧 You know that, right?
你不知道这对我来说... You just don't know what it is to be...
-请不要这样 妈妈 -好吧 - Please don't do this, Mom. - Okay.
我很抱歉 好了 I'm sorry. Okay.
我满脑子都是你 All I could think about was you.
我知道我怎么说都毫无意义 但我很抱歉 I know this must sound meaningless, but I'm sorry.
我...对不起 I'm-I'm sorry.
小尼 Oh, Nicky.
你是我的宝贝 You are such a darling.
你知道的吧 You know that, right?
快点 老头子 Hey, come on, old man!
-你太无礼了 -我才没有 - You're being so disrespectful. - I'm not being disrespectful.
你太无礼了 You're being so disrespectful.
-我追上你了 -操 - I'm coming for you! - Oh, motherfucker!
吃屁去吧 Uh-huh. You about to look at my ass, baby!
吃屁去吧 You about to look at my ass!
操 Fuck.
这就是我得到的帮助 That's what I get for helping.
你干吗拉得这么用力 Why'd you pull that hard?
-抱歉 -你为什么讨厌我 - I'm sorry. - Why do you hate me?
你现在什么感觉 How does this feel?
感觉我是个活生生的人 Like I'm a real human being.
有一天 我用了安非他命 One day, I tried methamphetamine...
感觉真棒 Yeah. That felt good.
当时我想 ...and I thought,
"我缺的就是这个" "This is what's been missing."
我感觉人生完整了 I felt complete.
今天是个好日子 Today's a good day.
之后我就一直追寻着 Yeah, I've been chasing that high
飘飘欲仙的感觉 ever since.
不管 No matter...
我用了多少冰毒 how much meth--
或是其他什么我能注射到体内的毒品 or whatever else I can find to shoot up into my body--
永远都不够 I do, it's never enough.
我去戒过几次毒 And I went to a couple of rehabs,
进行了脱瘾治疗 I detoxed,
他们说那是一种病 they would talk about disease, sure,
但是 but...
从来没让我醒悟过 it never clicked.
直到有一天我在医院醒来 Until one day I woke up in a hospital
有个人问我 and someone asked me,
"你到底什么毛病" "What's your problem?"
我说 "我是个酒鬼 还是个瘾君子" And I said, "I'm an alcoholic and an addict."
然后他说 And he said...
"不 那是你对待你遇到的问题的方式" "No, that's how you've been treating your problem."
没错 That's right.
我现在知道要怎么样 I know now I need to find a way
来填补我 to fill this...
身体里的 big...
巨大的黑洞了 black hole in me.
不管怎么说 Anyway, so...
我已经十四个月没碰毒品了 I'm 14 months clean.
我在戒毒所工作 I have a job at a rehab.
帮助其他人戒毒填补了我的黑洞 It's fulfilling to help other people get sober.
我有个戒瘾担保人 斯宾塞 I have a sponsor, Spencer.
他让我看到了戒瘾后的人生有多精彩 Shows me how great my life can be sober.
我还有家人 And, um, I still have family.
我妈妈很棒 My mom's been amazing.
我爸爸也是 My dad's been amazing, too.
我想让他们为我感到骄傲 I want them to be proud of me.
你还好事吧 You all right?
怎么了 你紧张了吗 What's wrong? You nervous?
嗯 Yeah.
谢谢你与我结婚 Thank you for marrying me.
谢谢你在这个不完美的世界里 Thank you for being a perfect partner
成为我完美的伴侣 in an imperfect world.
谢谢你带给我你完美的儿子 Thank you for introducing me to your amazing son.
我会一直像今天这样 Uh, I'm here for you,
一直陪着你 and I'm here to stay.
凯伦 谢谢你 Karen, thank you...
爱我 for loving me.
谢谢你爱他 And thank you for loving him.
直直地盯着他的眼睛 他会说"超人" Looks him square in the eye, and he says, "Superman..."
完美 Perfect.
-很高兴看到你 -我也是 - Hey, good to see you. - Good to see you.
黛西 黛西 Hey, Daisy. Hey, Daisy!
小杰夫 Hey, Jazzy Jeff.
怎么样 小家伙 What's going on, man?
我比夜晚的太阳 Hey, man, I miss you more
想念月亮还要想你们 than the sun misses the moon at night.
-你好 凯伦 -你好 - Hey, Karen. - Hey.
谢谢你邀请我 Thank you for inviting me.
真的 Seriously.
上 黛西 快去 黛西 加油 黛西 Go, Daisy! Go, Daisy! Go, Daisy! Go, Daisy!
加油 黛西 Go, Daisy!
亲爱的 Hey, honey.
加油 黛西 快去 Go, Daisy, go!
好噢 Nice.
你给我过来 Oh! Ah, you!
黛西 It's Daisy!
"如果安非他命成瘾者的 "If the marker is depleted
大脑中的标记物被耗尽 in meth addicts' brains,
很有可能神经末梢会缺失 it's likely there is a loss of nerve terminals
脑损伤是不可逆转的 and the brain damage is irreversible.
但是 我测试VMAT2药物时 However, when I tested for VMAT2,
-发现指标水平趋于正常" -这情况很乐观 - I found normal levels." - So that's optimistic.
-正常水平是乐观情况 对 -这.. - Normal levels is optimistic, yeah. - It's...
-真的 -好的 - It is. - Okay.
-不 我不是在... -我只是再确认一下 - No. I'm not... - I was just checking.
-不 这是好事 -好的 - No, no, that's good. - Okay.
基本上来说 Basically...
烧毁的 the fried...
尼克烧毁的神经末梢 Nic's fried nerve endings
可以再长回来 can grow back.
他们说可能要花两年时间 但是... They say it can take two years, but...
-两年 -对 - Two years? - Yeah.
但这是好事 大卫 But that's great, David.
-你回来晚了 -嗯 互助会很不错 - You're kind of late. - Yeah. It was a great meeting,
之后我们去了发言人他家 and after, we went to the speaker's house
一起看了影片 然后 and watched a video and...
见到了我的戒瘾担保人 所以晚了 saw my sober sponsee bros earlier, so...
不能用手机吗 No phone?
我手机没电了 Oh, my cell was dead.
你愿意做毒检吗 Would you be okay to do a drug test?
可以 做吧 Yeah, I mean, sure.
那好 Okay.
你知道我为什么要这么做吧 You understand why, right?
嗯 我应该打电话告诉你 Yeah. I mean, I should've called to let you know, so...
我相信你 只是需要证明一下 I trust you-- we just need to have some sort of proof.
你这么说就太自相矛盾了 That's about as contradictory as it gets.
-不过 -我懂 我明白 - But... - I know. I know.
我会做的 不用担心 I'll do it. No worries.
我没什么可隐瞒的 Nothing to hide.
好的 Okay.
你做得很好 Hey, you're doing great.
真的 You really are.
我算起来 有485天了 By my count, 485 days clean.
这可真是... Wow. Come on, that's...
我把杯子留在卫生间 好吗 I'll just leave it in the bathroom, right? Okay.
好了 All right.
-晚安 爸爸 -晚安 - Good night, Dad. - Good night.
-我爱你 -我也爱你 - I love you. - I love you, too.
-贾斯珀 准备好了吗 -准备好了 - All right, Jasper, you ready? -Yep.
走吧 我们走 Let's go, let's go, let's go.
不不不 等等 Hey. No, no, no, wait.
-贾斯珀 你不能去 -什么 - Jasper, I don't want you to go out there. - What?
妈妈 我们不过去很远的地方的 我保证 Mom, we won't go far, I swear!
现在浪太大了 太危险了 The waves are too big. It's too dangerous.
但是我很会游泳 But I am a great swimmer.
我经历过比这更大的浪 I've been in waves way bigger than this.
我知道 但是我不想你... Yes, I know that, but I don't want you to...
-我会跟紧他的 -尼克会跟紧我的 - Yeah, I'll stay close. - Nic will stay close,
听到了吗 you see?
凯伦 我会 Karen, I'm gonna stay...
-我会跟紧他的 -尼克可以去 - I'll stay close. - Nic can go in.
没关系 你 不行 That's fine. You, no.
不许再吵了 And that is final.
看看到底谁厉害 We'll see about that.
好了 没关系 Okay. It's fine.
不去了 It's fine.
我们还是去玩游戏吧 Should we just play a game instead?
你是冲浪人板吗 Are you a hurfboard?
-不是 -不是吗 - No. -No?
你是自行车人吗 Are you a hicycle?
-不是 -不是吗 - No. - No?
你可以吃吗 Okay. Uh, are you edible?
算不上 Not really.
-算不上 -算不上 - Not really? - Not really.
这么说勉强能算 So, sort of.
那 So, um...
你是房子吗 are you a house?
对 你怎么知道的 Yes. How did you know?
因为 You know,
我会读心 I can read your mind.
我知道你是个游泳小能手 I know you're a great swimmer.
你下次游泳比赛的时候我去给你加油 I'm gonna be there to cheer for you at your next swim meet.
这主意怎么样 How does that sound?
说定了 Yeah?
好的 Okay.
这么久以后再见到我感觉奇怪吗 Hey, is it weird to see me after all this time?
不奇怪吗 Or no?
一开始有一点 I guess it was, at first.
-好吧 -我以为你会变得不一样了 - Okay. - I thought you might be different.
但你还是原来的那个尼克 But you're just the same old Nic.
好了 谢了 All right. Thanks.
这个周末过得很愉快 That was a great weekend.
再见 尼克 Bye, Nic!
上 尼克 Go, Nic!
再见 尼克 再见 尼克 Bye, Nic! Bye, Nic!
再见 尼克 Bye, Nic!
一天一次 伙计 One day at a time, man.
恭喜你 欢迎来到现实世界 Congratulations. Welcome to the real world.
我不想活在现实世界 Oh, I don't want to live in the real world.
我厌烦了这样生活 I'm so sick of living in it.
你是因为病才会有这种感受 That's your disease talking to you, man.
-我很努力了 -努力孤立自己 - Oh, I'm trying. - By trying to isolate you.
努力杀死自己 你明明很清楚 Trying to kill you. You know this, man.
我觉得我没有病 斯宾塞 I don't feel like I have a disease, Spencer.
我感觉 I feel like...
-你肯定有 -这不像什么该死的癌症 - Well, you got to. - This isn't like fucking cancer.
这是我的选择 是我让自己变成这样 This is my fucking choice. I put myself here.
没错 的确是你让自己变成这样 Yeah, you did. You did put yourself there.
你还要不要听我说完 Are you gonna let me talk or what?
你是个作家 对吧 那就写作 Okay? Like, you're a writer, right? So write.
你很擅长 你的机会来了 这就是选择 You're good at it. This is your day. This is a choice.
-你现在想做什么 -该死的 - What do you want to do now? - Fucking...
你嗑嗨了就会失去所有的选择 Once you get high, you lose all your choices.
-如果你嗑嗨了 你就会失去一切 -对 - If you get high, you lose everything. - Right.
所以你必须一直选择正确的路 All right, so you got to keep choosing the right way.
-对 -没错 - Right. - That's right.
选择正确的路 You choose the right way.
对 好吧 听着 Right. All right, hey, listen,
我等一下再给你打个电话 好吗 I'm gonna give you a call later, all right?
我觉得我应该没事 Uh, I-I feel like I'm gonna do all right.
你要把我挂了吗 You blowing me off now?
你打电话给我就是来浪费我的时间吗 You gonna call me and waste my time?
别浪费我的时间 你有我呢 伙计 Don't waste my time. I'm here for you, man.
你知道的 我今晚要做牛排 You know what, look, I'm having some steaks tonight.
你来一起吃晚餐吧 Why don't you come over for dinner.
-好吧 到时候见 -你... - All right, I'll see you then. - You...
听起来不错 到时候见 That sounds great. I'll see you then.
-尼克 尼克 -先生 到时候见 - Yo, Nic, Nic. - Yes, sir. I'll see you then.
-尼克 -好了 再见 - Nic... - All right, bye-bye.
尼克·谢菲 Nic Sheff.
劳伦 Lauren. What?
你怎么... What are you...
好久不见了 Wow, it's been a long time.
你在这里干什么 What-what are you doing here?
我... Just, uh...
怎么了 What?
我已经戒了很久了 I've been sober for a while,
但我现在真的很想疯一把 but I'm seriously looking to party right now.
我有你要的 我们有摇头丸 我们有药 I got what you need. We have E, we have pills, man.
我们有摇头丸 我就说吧 We have E. I told you, I told you.
你能给我拿一杯水 和一个勺子吗 Can you get me a cup of water and a spoon?
好 All right.
来吧 All right.
-给 -谢谢 - Here you go. - Thank you.
棉花和勺子 Cotton and a spoon.
好了 够了 All right, that's it.
够了 That's it.
你的电话已经被转到 Your call has been forwarded
自动答录系统 to an automated voice messaging system.
请在滴声后录下你的留言 At the tone, please record your message.
还是我 你爸爸 It's Dad again.
你之前离开的时候我感觉你的心情 I feel like you might have been a little down
可能有点不好 尼克 如果你想谈谈可以找我 when you left, Nic, so I'm here to talk if you need to.
就这样 All right.
所以你不知道他在哪里 So you have no idea where he is?
斯宾塞告诉我他接到过他的电话 Uh, Spencer told me he heard from him.
他很不好过 但是他在努力 He was having a difficult time, but he was pulling through.
但是他没有去工作 他没有在家 But, yeah, he's not at work, he's not at home.
-他的手机也不通 -该死 维姬 - He's unreachable on his cell. - Damn it. Damn it. Vicki,
他两天前就离开这里了 你为什么不来看看他 he left here two days ago. Why didn't you check on him?
你应该照顾好这孩子的 You're supposed to be taking care of this kid, right?
你说什么呢 大卫 What the fuck, David?
过去一年都是谁在照顾他 Who's been taking care of him the last year?
你明明可以来看看他的 Well, you could've checked on him.
你到底什么毛病 I mean, what the fuck is your problem?
你觉得我每天都很闲吗 What do you think I do all day?
再说了 我们不可能每天24小时地监控他 Besides, we can't run surveillance on him 24/7.
我觉得你得赶紧去找警察 I think you need to go to the police right now
上报有人失踪 好吗 and file a missing persons report, okay?
-别冲我吼 -不 我就要 - Stop yelling at me! - No, I'm not gonna stop
-冲你吼 维姬 -我不喜欢你这么做 - yelling at you, Vicki. - I hate it when you do that.
-因为你就是个... -你真是个疯子 - Because you're just... - You're totally crazy.
你到底都在干什么 What are you even doing there?!
-这他妈不公平 大卫 -不 听我说 - Fucking unfair, David! - No, no! Listen to me!
你到底... What are...
该死 Damn.
操 Fuck!
大卫 Dave?
你能给我的手机打个电话吗 Could you call my phone, please?
怎么了 What's going on?
他不见了 He's gone.
我们怎么知道他还在不在洛杉矶 How do we even know he's in L.A.?
他可能在旧京山 他可能... I mean, he could be in San Francisco. He could be...
他说不定都去墨西哥了 he could be in fucking Mexico, for all we know.
我必须要去 I need to go.
但是我需要你留下 Yeah, but I need you to stay.
维姬没法像我这样... Well, Vicki can't handle it like I...
我不在乎维姬 这跟维姬无关 I don't care about Vicki. This isn't about Vicki.
你能不能冷静点 理智点 Okay, why don't you just relax and try to be reasonable.
-什么 你才理智点 -我就是很理智 - What? You be reasonable. - I am being reasonable.
这叫理智吗 Is this reasonable?!
不 这不是 No! It's not!
我怎么能理智 How can I be?!
我儿子不知道去哪里了 My son is out there somewhere,
我不知道他在干吗 and I don't know what he's doing!
我不知道怎么帮他 I don't know how to help him!
你帮不了 You can't!
我睡不着 I can't sleep.
你睡不着吗 You can't sleep?
我睡不着 I can't sleep.
好 Okay.
晚安 爸爸 Good night, Daddy.
晚安 Good night.
放手 Let go!
飞机起飞 Airplane flying!
飞机 Airplane!
飞吧 飞吧 Fly away! Fly!
飞机 推 Airplane! Push!
-不 你不许下来 快 -等等 - No. Uh-uh. Come on, not you. Come on. - Hold on.
-回去 伙计们 来 -等等 亲爱的 - Get back in. Guys, come on. - Hold on. Hold on, honey.
-等等 -好狗狗 - Wait. - Good dog.
怎么了 What's up?
我以为今天尼克也会来 I thought Nic was gonna be here today.
不 出了点事 Uh, no. Something came up.
我能给他打电话吗 Can I call him?
不 不行 No, no. You can't.
没法给他打了 It's not gonna be possible.
为什么 Why not?
因为就是没法了 Because it's not.
尼克又重新吸毒了吗 Is Nic back on drugs again?
我们也不知道 亲爱的 We don't know, honey.
好了 All right.
尼克后来一周都没有回家 我们(他的家人)想要努力说服自己接受 "他只是个青少年" "青少年有时候会走偏" "他应该打个电话" "但他每次努力都会出事" 这是我第二次感觉自己分裂成了对立的两半 一半觉得自己愚蠢又多疑 另一半觉得肯定发生了什么可怕的事
他有时候会给我发有趣的邮件 他比起通心粉更喜欢意大利面 你见到我儿子了吗 你见到我的漂亮男孩了吗 告诉他我很想他
加油 贾斯珀 Come on, Jasper! Whup.
拿好了吗 You got it?
该死 劳伦 Oh, fuck. Okay. Hey, Lauren.
-劳伦 我们走 -怎么了 - Lauren, let's go. - What?
我们该走了 We got to go.
-怎么了 -给 - What's going on? - Here.
我们该走了 We got to go.
好吧 Fine.
我觉得我刚刚看到了尼克 I think I just saw Nic.
什么 What?
我觉得我刚看到尼克和一个女孩跑走了 I think I just saw Nic and a girl running away.
尼克 Nic.
不 待在里面 Uh, no. Stay inside.
-好吧 -不 - Okay. - No.
好啦 不 待在里面 我没有开玩笑 All right, no. Stay inside! I am not kidding, all right?
待在里面 Stay there.
好吧 Okay.
-该死 -再也不来了 - Shit. - Never again.
-没事的 -我们怎么办 怎么办 - It's okay. Hey. - What do we do? What do we do?
没事的 It's all right.
太可怕了 That was so terrible.
操 Oh, fuck!
尼克 尼克 尼克 Nic? Nic? Nic!
不不不 Oh. No. No. No.
拜托 Come on!
对不起 对不起 I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.
好吧 好吧 Okay. Okay.
警察 请问有什么能帮助你的 911. What is your emergency?
你好 我有个朋...我在和我朋友一起 Yeah. Hi. Uh, I got a f... I'm-I'm with a friend.
她吸毒过量了 然后 She just O.D.'d, and, uh,
我需要一辆救护车 我需要帮助 I need an ambulance, I need some help.
先生 你会心肺复苏术吗 Sir, do you know CPR?
嗯 我正在做 我... Yeah, I'm doing it right now. I just...
我们...你们还得派辆救护车来 Uh, we... You-you guys, you got to send an ambulance too, all right?
你现在在哪里 What is your location?
我不知道 Yeah, I don't know.
你们得追踪这个电话的位置 Y-You-you guys are gonna have to trace the call.
喂 Hello?
喂 先生 你还在吗 Hello? Sir, are you still there?
先生 Sir?
先生 先生 Sir? Sir?
往上看 Look up.
亲爱的 往上看 Honey, look up for me.
你能往这边上面看吗 Can you look up this way over here?
听着 我们得送你去急诊室 Hey, look, we're gonna need to take you to the ER.
我不...我不想去 我... I-I don't... I don't want to. I-I...
-我们得带你去急诊室 -我没事 - We need to take you to the ER. - I'm fine.
她不想去急诊室 她... She doesn't want to go to the ER. She's...
她...不 她有事 我们得带她 She's... No, she's not okay. We need to take her
-去急诊室 -但她不想去 - to the ER. - But she doesn't want to go.
不 先生 她必须去 No, sir, she needs to go!
好吗 Okay?
你要是有意见 我可以告知警察 You have a problem with that, I can inform the police.
该死 Goddamn it.
你会来找我的 对吗 You're gonna come and meet me, right?
-是的 是的 -你保证吗 - Yes. Yes! - You promise?
我爱你 I love you.
我也爱你 I love you, too.
-你保证你会来见我吗 -是的 劳伦 - You promise you're gonna meet me? - Yes, Lauren.
我会来见你的 你还想让我怎样 I'll come fucking meet you. What do you want from me?
-好吧 -上帝啊 - Okay, okay. - Jesus fucking Christ.
大卫·谢菲 David Sheff.
爸爸 是我 Hey, Dad. It's me.
-尼克 -是的 - Nic? - Yeah.
请不要恨我 爸爸 Please don't hate me, Dad.
我知道我做错了 I know I did wrong.
我想停下来 但是拜托 拜托 拜托 I want to stop, but please, please, please,
拜托 拜托 拜托别送我去戒毒 好吗 please, please, please no rehab, all right?
让我回家就好 行吗 Just let me come home. You know what?
我知道其实我...我需要回家 I realize it's actually I... I-I need to be home.
你们 你们会给我力量 让我停下来 You guys, you guys are gonna give me the strength to stop.
好吗 All right?
那是不可能 That's not going to happen.
我也想要帮助你 I wish that I could help you,
但我做不到 but I can't do that.
我...我做不到 I c... I can't.
求你帮帮我 爸爸 Oh, please help me, Dad.
不 爸爸 我只需要一点帮助 No, Dad. I just need a little bit of help.
求你帮帮我 我想回家 Please help me. I want to come home.
我能告诉你的都已经和你说过了 All I can tell you is what you already know.
爸爸 你为什么就不听我说话呢 Dad, why aren't you fucking listening to me?
-打给担保人 -我现在不想和我的担保人说话 - Call your sponsor. - I don't want to talk to my sponsor now.
我想和你说话 I want to talk to you.
找人帮你 Get help.
-我爱你 -爸爸 什么... - I love you. - Dad, what...
希望你能重新将你的人生拼凑起来 And I hope that you get your life together.
我也爱你 I love you, too.
我爱你 I love you.
-喂 -尼古拉斯给我打了电话 - Hello. - Nicolas called.
他听上去很绝望 He sounds desperate.
如果我们不做些什么 他会死的 Gonna die if we don't do anything.
就算我们做些什么 他也会去死 He's gonna die even if we do.
我们所做的一切对他都没有用 Nothing we do has any effect on him.
我失败了 I failed.
我知道你觉得很丢人 I know you feel ashamed, okay?
我也是 So do I.
但你一直做得很好 大卫 But you have done great, David.
凯伦也是 谢谢你们 And Karen, too, so thank you for that.
当初我不在时 是你坚持下来 You were up for it when I wasn't,
我现在不要再放弃了 and I'm not giving up now.
永远不会 Never.
但我一个人做不来 But I can't do it alone.
我需要你的帮助 I need your help.
我觉得你救不了别人 维姬 I don't think you can save people, Vicki.
但你可以陪着他们 不是吗 You can be there for them, can't you?
你们看 Look at this.
我受够了 I'm done.
好吗 我... Okay? I...
好吧 Okay.
三不原则 不是我造成的 我无法控制一切 我无法治愈一切
大家伙 Hey, everybody.
集合起来 Time to get together.
我这一周很糟糕 I... I had a rough week.
你们有人知道 有人不知道 Some of you know, some of you don't.
我... I, um...
我这周失去了我的弗朗西斯 I lost my Frances this week.
她在周日时死于吸毒过量 She died of an overdose on Sunday.
所以... So...
我是在哀悼 但是我... I guess I'm in mourning, but I-I...
我意识到了一些别的事 I realized something else.
我其实已经哀悼好几年了 I've actually been in mourning for years.
因为就算她活着的时候 她... 'Cause even when she was alive, she...
她也像是不在了 she wasn't there.
当你为生者哀悼时 When you mourn the living,
那种生活太痛苦了 that's a hard way to live.
所以... And so, in...
所以说这样... in a way, it's-it's...
我想这样更好 it's better, I guess.
她是一个非常可爱的年轻女子 She was a dear, dear young woman.
我总是觉得 I always felt...
我需要...坚强 I needed to... to stay strong,
以后万一有什么事 that there'd be some future event,
我...我会需要我全部的力量 and I'd... I'd need all my strength for it.
但这以后不后再有什么事了 But there are no events after this one.
我希望她现在不再痛苦了 I hope she's not in pain now.
再见 弗朗西斯 Bye, Frances.
他怎么样了 How's he doing?
医生现在正和他一起 The doctor's with him now.
他说尼克体内有如此高剂量的毒品 He said it's close to a miracle
还能活下来简直就是一个奇迹 Nic survived with all the drugs in his body.
"无论幸福还是安宁 "Either peace or happiness,
都请好好珍惜 "let it enfold you.
我年轻时 我觉得这些东西 "When I was a young man, I felt that these things
非常愚蠢 简单 "were dumb, unsophisticated.
我生性顽劣 屡教不改 "I had bad blood, a twisted mind,
就像个定时炸弹 "A precarious upbringing.
我冥顽不灵 "I was hard as granite.
连太阳也不放在眼里 "I leered at the sun.
我不相信任何男人 女人更甚 "I trusted no man and especially no woman.
我在狭小的空间中过着地狱般的生活 "I was living a hell in small rooms.
我破坏 我打砸 "I broke things, smashed things,
走过一片玻璃废墟 "Walked through glass, cursed.
我目空一切 "I challenged everything,
一直遭到放逐 监禁 "Was continually being evicted, jailed,
各种争斗 各种挣扎 "In and out of fights, in and out of my mind.
女性于我只是泄欲和打骂的对象 "Women were something to screw and rail at.
我没有男性朋友 "I had no male friends.
我换了工作和城市 "I changed jobs and cities.
我讨厌节日 婴儿 历史 "I hated holidays, babies, history,
报纸 博物馆 祖母 "Newspapers, museums, grandmothers,
婚姻 电影 蜘蛛 清洁工 "Marriage, movies, spiders, garbagemen,
英式口音 西班牙 法国 意大利 "English accents, Spain, France, Italy,
胡桃 橙色 "Walnuts and the color orange.
代数让我愤怒 "Algebra angered me.
歌剧让我恶心 "Opera sickened me.
查理·卓比林就是骗子 "Charlie Chaplin was a fake.
鲜花是给娘炮的 "And flowers were for pansies.
幸福和安宁对我来说是低劣的象征 "Peace and happiness were to me signs of inferiority,
是弱者和废物的情感寄托 "Tenants of the weak and addled mind.
但在我在多年来于深巷中与人争执后 "But as I went on with my alley fights,
考虑自杀后 "My suicidal years,
与各种女人相交相识后 "My passage through any number of women,
我开始意识到 我和其他人 "It gradually began to occur to me that I wasn't different
没有什么不一样 "From the others, I was the same.
他们都充满了愤怒 "They were all fulsome with hatred,
浑身开遍了微小的痛苦之花 "Glossed over with petty grievances.
与我在暗巷中搏斗的男人们有着铁石之心 "The men I fought in alleys had hearts of stone.
所有人躲在躲避 退缩 "Everybody was nudging, inching,
推却微不足道的冒险 "Cheating for some insignificant advantage.
谎言就是武器 空虚就是计谋 "The lie was the weapon, and the plot was empty.
黑暗主宰了世界 "Darkness was the dictator.
我偶尔会让自己感到放松 "Cautiously, I allowed myself to feel good at times.
我会在廉价的房间中寻得一丝平和 "I found moments of peace in cheap rooms
盯着梳妆台的把手 "Just staring at the knobs of some dresser
或者听着黑暗中的雨声 "Or listening to the rain in the dark.
我需要的越少 我就感觉越好 "The less I needed, the better I felt.
也许是另一种生活让我精疲力尽 "Maybe the other life had worn me down.
我已经不再能够从 "I no longer found glamour
口舌之争中胜过他人 "In topping somebody in conversation
或者疼爱某个人生坠入痛苦的 "Or in mounting the body of some poor, drunken female
可怜醉女人为乐 "Whose life had slipped away into sorrow.
我以前从来不会接受这种生活 "I could never accept life as it was.
我从不会吞下生活所有的毒 "I could never gobble down all its poisons.
但是有那么部分脆弱的我 "But there were parts, tenuous magic parts,
慢慢接受了 "Open for the asking.
我被重塑了 "I reformulated.
我不知道具体什么时候 这一切... "I don't know when-- date, time, all that--
但这改变还是发生了 "But the change occurred.
我内心中有一部分放松了下来 "Something in me relaxed, smoothed out.
我不需要再证明我是个男人 "I no longer had to prove that I was a man.
我什么都不需要证明了 "I didn't have to prove anything.
我开始注意到一些事 "I began to see things.
咖啡店中柜台后摆放整齐的咖啡杯 "Coffee cups lined up behind a counter in a cafe.
或者在路边散步的狗 "Or a dog walking along a sidewalk.
或者老鼠爬上了我的梳妆台 "Or the way the mouse on my dresser top
站定 稳稳地站定 "Stopped there, really stopped there,
它的身体 耳朵 鼻子 "With its body, its ears, its nose.
纹丝不动 却充满生机 "It was fixed, a bit of life caught within itself,
它的双眼看着我 那么美丽 "And its eyes looked at me, and they were beautiful.
然后又消失了 "Then it was gone.
我开始感觉很棒 "I began to feel good.
我开始在最糟糕的情况下都会感觉很棒 "I began to feel good in the worst situations,
而我经常会遇到最糟糕的情况 "And there were plenty of those.
比如站在办公桌后的上司 "Like, say, the boss behind his desk.
他想要开除我 "He is going to have to fire me.
我太多天没来上班了 "I've missed too many days.
他穿着西装 戴着领带 眼镜 "He's dressed in a suit, necktie, glasses.
他说"我不得不开除你" "He says, 'I am going to have to let you go.'
"没关系" 我告诉他 "'It's all right,' I tell him.
他必须要做他该做的事 "He must do what he must do.
他有妻子 有孩子 有家庭 "He has a wife, a house, children,
各种开销 很可能还有个女友 "Expenses, most probably a girlfriend.
我很同情他 "I'm sorry for him.
他被困住了 "He's caught.
我走进耀眼的阳光 "I walk out into the blazing sunshine.
至少这一整天暂时都是我的了 "The whole day is mine, temporarily anyhow.
这世界处于世界的咽喉 "The whole world is at the throat of the world.
所有人都感到愤怒 不公 欺骗 "Everybody feels angry, short-changed, cheated.
所有人都感到沮丧 幻灭 "Everybody is despondent, disillusioned.
我很期待一点幸福和平和的感觉 "I welcomed shots of peace, tattered shards of happiness.
我会想对待中奖号码 高跟鞋 "I embraced that stuff like the hottest number,
乳房 歌唱 工作般热忱对待 "Like high heels, breasts, singing, the works.
别误会了 "Don't get me wrong,
有一个词叫"盲目乐观" "There is such a thing as cockeyed optimism
指忽略所有的基本问题 "That overlooks all basic problems
只看待最好的方面 "Just for the sake of itself.
这是一种护盾 一种病态 "This is a shield and a sickness.
尖刀又逼近了我的喉咙 "The knife got near my throat again.
我差点又去自取灭亡 "I almost turned on the gas again.
但是当美好的时刻再度来临 "But when the good moments arrived again,
我没有再像仇敌般与之对抗 "I didn't fight them off like an alley adversary.
我让它们带走了我 我沉迷于它们 "I let them take me. I luxuriated in them.
我和它们说欢迎回家 "I bade them welcome home.
我甚至还曾看向镜子 "I even looked into the mirror once
觉得自己变得丑陋了 "Having thought myself to be ugly.
我现在却喜欢我看到的样子 "I now liked what I saw.
还挺帅 "Almost handsome.
是的 有点落魄 "Yes, a bit ripped and ragged.
伤疤 肿块 淤青 "Scars, lumps, odd turns.
但总而言之还不算太糟 "But all in all, not too bad.
还挺帅 "Almost handsome.
总比那些像婴儿屁股的电影明星 "Better at least than some of those movie star faces
要好上一点 "Like the cheeks of a baby's butt.
最终 我发现了 "And finally I discovered
发自内心对他人的感情 "Real feelings for others, unheralded.
比如最近 今天早上 "Like lately, like this morning,
我要去上班时 我看到我妻子在床上 "As I was leaving for the track, I saw my wife in bed,
只显露出她脑袋的形状 "Just the shape of her head there,
被子拉得很高 只显露出她脑袋的形状 "Covers pulled high, just the shape of her head there.
几个世纪的生死更迭 "Not forgetting centuries of the living and the dead
埃及人死了 留下金字塔 "And the dying, the pyramids,
莫扎特死了 留下他的音乐 "Mozart dead, but his music still there in the room,
大麻继续生长 地球继续转动 "Weeds growing, the Earth turning,
大把钱在等着我赚 "The tote board waiting for me.
而我看着我妻子的脑袋 "I saw the shape of my wife's head,
她一动不动 "She so still.
我渴望她的人生 "I ached for her life,
就这样躲在下面 "Just being there under the covers.
我亲了她的前额 "I kissed her on the forehead,
下楼梯 出门 "Got down the stairway, got outside,
坐进我了不起的车里 系上安全带 "Got into my marvelous car, fixed the seat belt,
靠在座椅上 "Backed out the drive.
感受温暖从指尖 "Feeling warm to the fingertips,
倾泻到踩着油门的脚 "Down to my foot on the gas pedal,
我再次进入世界 "I entered the world once more,
驶下山 经过那些 "Drove down the hill past the houses
有人住或没人住的房子 "Full and empty of people.
我看到了那个邮递员 我按了按喇叭 "I saw the mailman, honked.
他也朝我挥了挥手" He waved back at me."