[soft orchestral music playing]
[lively chatter]
- [Ingrid] Hi. How are you? - [Bobbi] I'm good. Thanks.
[Ingrid] Who do I make this out to?
[Bobbi] Uh, Bobbi with an "I".
In the prologue, you say you wrote this book
in order to better understand and accept death.
Um...
Yeah. It feels unnatural to me.
I can't accept that something alive has to die.
Thank you.
- Ingrid... - Mm.
We've fulfilled the hour.
I mean, in fact, we've gone over.
Well, there's still a lot of people waiting.
Yes. We'll do what you want.
Could you sign mine?
Stella! I didn't see you.
Why didn't you come straight up?
I was embarrassed.
You draw a crowd!
- A lot of young people. - Thank you.
- Not just women. - [laughs]
Stella, this is Anne. Anne, my friend Stella.
- Nice to meet you. - Nice to meet you.
I'm gonna stay until I've signed for everybody.
Yes. I'll just make sure no one else joins the line.
Okay. [chuckles]
Oh, I haven't seen you in forever.
I'm living in Boston now.
I came to see my son,
and to visit Martha in the hospital.
You know she has cancer, right?
It's a bad one.
Martha?
Martha Hunt?
Yes.
She's at Manhattan Memorial Cancer Center.
I thought you would've heard.
No. To be honest, I haven't seen her in years.
Martha is sick? I can't imagine it.
If you go see her, it'll make her very happy.
Yeah. Of course.
Of course I will.
Um, thank you so much for coming. I really appreciate it.
Congratulations.
- Thank you. - Mm!
- I'll see you soon. - Thanks.
- Bye. - Bye.
Hi.
- Who do I make this out to? - Frances.
- Is that you? - No, it's my girlfriend.
She really admires you.
- So do I. - Thank you.
Could you write "It won't happen again"?
Of course I can.
Yes. Thank you. It won't happen again.
I hope not.
Hi. I'm here to see Martha Hunt.
I think she's on the 16th floor.
Okay. One sec.
[keyboard clacks]
Yes. Room 1614.
The elevator is at the end of the hall, on the left.
- Thanks. - No problem.
[people speaking indistinctly]
[knock at door]
[door opens]
Martha?
[Martha] Ingrid!
What a surprise!
- How did you hear? - I ran into Stella.
- She told me. [kisses] - Oh.
I'm so sorry, I didn't even know you were sick.
Oh, well, you with your work and me with mine.
I mean, time's gotten away from us.
Yes, and I was living in Paris.
Yeah, I heard. I've been reading about you.
I know you have published another book
and it's doing very well.
Thank you. [sighs]
So...
How are you?
I'm sure you're sick of telling everybody.
Well, it's cervical cancer. Stage three.
It isn't operable, but they're treating me, so...
looks like I'm not gonna die quite yet.
Um, I've become a guinea pig for an experimental treatment
and the results are better than the doctors expected.
- Great! - Yeah.
That's great! Well, you seem like you're in good spirits.
Well, I swing between euphoria and depression.
- Oh, I'm so sorry. - [laughs]
No, it's normal,
and the doctors warned me, you know.
- Highs and lows. - Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
It'll sound absurd,
but after all the accepting and preparing to face the end,
survival feels almost disappointing.
Oh, don't say that.
No, I was prepared to leave.
In fact, when they gave me the initial diagnosis,
I didn't want any treatment.
Well, I'm glad you changed your mind.
'Cause, you know, just the thought...
And that I wouldn't know...
Anyway, I realized that I really...
I'm not ready to abandon the party just yet.
But I had truly gotten used to the idea.
Well, I suppose that it's good to get used to the idea,
but without giving up, right?
You've been through a lot of wars, remember?
I live with them every day.
Oh, Ingrid, I'm so happy to see you.
I almost called you a thousand times.
- I'm sorry. - Me, too!
It's ridiculous that we haven't seen each other.
I promise I'm gonna visit until you get sick of me.
Will you?
You promise?
I'm gonna hold you to that.
Your daughter knows, I guess.
Yes.
When I first made up my mind to forgo any treatment,
I told her...
and she just said...
"It's your choice."
Period.
As if it was something trivial,
something that had nothing to do with her.
How are you two getting along?
Um, same as ever.
We're barely in touch.
What does she do?
She's doing well.
She's, uh, an agent for classical musicians.
It might sound horrible,
but I don't feel like she's my daughter.
I fantasize frequently about her being swapped at birth.
What?
What are you talking about? She looks just like you.
She has your face.
I never interested her as a mother.
Why not?
I was a teenager when I had her.
I didn't know what to do with a baby.
And when we started working at Paper Magazine, you remember?
We practically lived at night.
You remember New York in the '80s?
Yeah.
Anything important happened at night.
And then I went to work as a war correspondent,
traveling constantly.
And that didn't help.
My work just completely took over.
I was never what a mother is supposed to be.
But Michelle started to hate me
long before I was away so much.
I remember feeling her resentment
even when she was a little girl.
She made herself very clear.
She couldn't bear... not having a father.
She saw other girls with their fathers
and she wanted to know about hers.
At first, I told her I didn't know who he was, but...
[sighs]
...it kind of made things worse.
I was lying to her.
- [laughs] - [lively chatter]
[Martha] Of course I knew who her father was.
His name was Fred.
[shouts]
[Martha] We dated for a few months
before he was drafted.
And then went away to fight, towards the end of Vietnam.
When he came back, a year later, he was...
somebody different.
Fred! What happened?
He was a broken toy.
Hey. Hey, it's okay.
I'm here. It's all over now, Fred.
You're back home.
But it's not over for me.
I still got the war inside my head.
I can't get free of it.
I hallucinate every single day.
And I was high practically all the time.
I don't know what I'm doing with my life,
but I'm not staying here.
It's all right.
Feel free to do what you like.
Think about what's best for you.
Okay.
Thanks.
Can I kiss you?
- Does Michelle know this? - Oh.
She started asking about her father
as soon as she could talk.
But it's not something you can explain to a child, right?
By puberty, she carved out quite an abyss between us.
It came to define her adolescence.
But, by then, I was no longer there.
I was in New York, with you, living my life.
I arranged to meet Fred one evening
to tell him about the situation.
So, I took a first aid course
and, because I'm a war veteran, they've hired me at a hospital,
down in San Diego.
It's good news, right?
I have some news for you too.
I'm pregnant.
- You're pregnant? - Yes.
But I was planning on moving to San Diego next week.
Then what are we gonna do?
Whatever I do, my parents will support me, so...
I'm not alone.
Mm.
I don't think working in a hospital
was the best thing for such a damaged person.
It's the closest thing to war.
He needed therapy and rehab.
Yeah, that would have been more sensible,
but he wanted to be useful,
to ease his conscience.
He believed that helping people between life and death...
was his best chance of getting back any peace.
I could only free him of any responsibility.
He left before Michelle was born.
He never knew her.
[breathing heavily]
He didn't call once to ask about her.
When did you tell her?
She was about 12.
She wanted to know where he was living...
and I didn't know anymore.
She was so insistent...
that I tracked down an old friend of his
from high school,
who told me that Fred had gotten married
and had recently died.
I asked him for his wife's number...
and then I called her.
I wanted to know what had happened.
She told me they were coming home after a trip.
Is that smoke?
[wife] Yes.
Something's on fire.
There's a house on fire.
We should call the fire department.
- [tinnitus ringing] - [gunfire echoing]
[screaming and explosion echoing]
- Stop the car. - Fred...
[tires screech]
[wife] What are you doing?
- I'm gonna take a look. - No!
That's crazy! Fred!
- There might be someone inside. - Fred, stop! Stop!
Don't go in. It's dangerous! Look at me, I'm here.
Let's find a gas station
and call the fire department, please.
Don't you hear the screams?
No, I don't hear anything.
[panting]
Fred, please! Fred! Fred!
Fred, don't go in there!
[groans]
Don't you hear the screams?
There's someone inside crying for help!
Fred!
[panting]
[firetruck horn blaring]
Sir! Sir!
Please, help me!
- Sir! Sir, please! - Let's go!
- Please, my husband's inside! - Ladder up!
Sir! My husband's inside!
My husband's inside!
He thought he heard voices crying for help.
Put two lines on the back side, guys!
He went into the house trying to save
whoever was trapped by the fire.
Okay, get back in your car. Do not go over there.
I will stay here. Okay.
Please, ma'am. Is there someone else?
- No, I don't know! - Ladder up, guys! Ladder!
There's a civilian inside!
Get back in your car, ma'am, please.
[busy chatter]
[chief] All right, get in there!
Get in that top window.
There you go. It's gonna blow out.
Good boys.
[indistinct police radio chatter]
I'm sorry, there was nothing we could do.
[panting]
He didn't get to the second floor.
He must have passed out from the smoke and the flames.
And the other bodies?
There was nobody else.
This house has been abandoned for a long time.
There was only your husband.
But he...
he told me he heard screams for help...
Impossible, ma'am.
There was no one else.
It's true.
I didn't hear the screams either.
I tried to stop him from going in, but...
[sobbing]
I didn't.
He was very brave.
Did you tell Michelle all of this?
I had to give her every detail.
I even gave her her father's wife's phone number.
You know what?
Let's get you back to bed. You're tired.
Yeah, but I have to tell you this.
We can... We can talk more later.
So, one day...
- I got a call from Fred's wife. - Okay.
And she told me
- that she wanted an address. - Mm-hmm.
She wanted to send me something.
[Ingrid] Mm-hm.
And, shortly after,
I received a note in the mail and a letter...
that the wife received from Michelle,
introducing herself
and saying that it was her,
Fred's daughter,
who had been in the burning house.
"It was me he tried to save."
"It was me for whom he died..."
that's what Michelle said to the wife.
That's insane!
Yes.
[cell phone ringtone playing]
Hi!
[Martha over phone] It's Martha, the nuisance.
[chuckles] You're not a nuisance.
How're you feeling?
Fine. I'm at home.
The hospital's given me a few days off
between treatments, so I'm at home.
I'd love for you to come over.
Ooh, you've caught me in the middle of moving.
Oh, then you're really busy, right?
Um, well, you know what moving's like.
But, um, if you're feeling lonely, I could stop by,
we could take a walk in the park.
I might not be quite up for a walk.
Um, okay, you know what? Let me, um...
Let me finish what I'm doing and I'll be right over.
Thanks, sweetheart, but don't feel obliged.
[doorbell dings]
- These are for you. - You are a darling.
And I've brought you a couple of books.
Oh! Thank you.
You want something to drink?
Oh. I'd love some tea.
- Herbal tea if you have it. - Sure.
- I'll put these in a vase. - Okay.
And all of this is for you.
You have to finish all of it.
Wow! Well, I will do my best.
I love fruit.
[Martha and Ingrid laugh]
Are you working on something new?
Um, yeah, actually I am.
I'm doing research on the painter Dora Carrington
and her, um... Mm...
...intense relationship with the writer Lytton Strachey.
- Mm-hm. - Here he is.
Uh, Strachey was gay,
so she married the straight man that he was infatuated with.
It's gonna be the story of the trio.
It isn't groundbreaking,
but I want to see where it takes me.
Here, um, look.
Um, unfortunately for her,
there was another more famous painter...
- Leonora Carrington. Yeah. - Yes,
the surrealist Leonora Carrington,
whose name was obviously very similar to hers.
[Ingrid] Um...
Dora...
was better known for this
bizarre love story with Strachey.
She devoted 17 years of her life to him.
- Wow. - Mm.
It'll be a fictionalized biography, so...
I'll make some stuff up, too.
I've never been able to allow myself that.
Mm. Well, I hope not.
You're a war reporter.
Yeah, you have to...
You know, you can't show your emotions.
You have to block them out so you can do your job
and stay in the present in the middle of whatever hell.
Maybe I should write about you and not Carrington.
I don't think you'd enjoy
writing about illnesses and treatments.
- Mm. You're wrong. - I'm just a journalist,
addicted to wars and adrenaline.
You think that's nothing?
It wasn't all tragedy.
You know, life went on.
There was one report when I added a bit of fiction.
Really?
Actually, I never published it.
It was during the war in Iraq.
On the last day, before we left Baghdad.
Are you sure this is the right way?
Yeah, just make a left here in this alley.
Let's make this brief.
Here. Stop here.
[brakes screech]
[speaking Spanish]
Martin, what are you doing here in Baghdad?
You look great. You really do.
Thank you.
Yeah, I'm sorry. Paco, Martin.
He's a Carmelite, like me.
Pleasure. Let me introduce you to Martha.
She is a brilliant journalist from The New York Times.
[speaking Spanish]
They are the Carmelites
I was telling you about.
It's a pleasure to meet you both.
Are you intending to stay in Baghdad?
Yes, here we are.
But you're alone.
All the NGOs and the Red Cross have left already.
I know.
The situation is out of control.
It's very dangerous.
You're here as well.
Yeah, but we're just passing through.
We're leaving as soon as we finish talking to you.
We can't let them down now,
this is when the people need us most.
That's true, but it's still extremely dangerous.
But then you know that.
We can't let them down now, señora.
Do you mind if we take a photo of you
and how the mission has been left?
[speaking Spanish]
Okay.
You can photograph the mission and me,
but he doesn't want to risk his family in Spain seeing him.
- They'd worry. - Yeah, of course.
Totally understand, but if we could get one of you,
that would be great.
- [Bernardo] Okay. - Sure.
[mechanical whirring in distance]
- [Bernardo] Here? - [Martin] Yeah.
Just perhaps a little tiny step closer...
Yeah, that's fine, so that I can see the impacts.
[camera shutter clicking]
[laughs]
I think you have it.
How long has it been...
since we last saw each other?
Five years.
Wow.
Do you remember Liberia?
How could I forget?
Look, I have some photos of you that we didn't publish.
If you give me an address, I can send them to you.
Maybe to the Embassy.
No, you keep them.
That way I'll keep you company.
Okay.
It was really great seeing you.
Take care.
- Goodbye. - Be safe.
How do you know the Carmelite?
We met in Sierra Leone.
We became lovers there.
- Oh, really? - Yeah.
After that, we met more times.
Always in places that were at war.
And you had sex?
Well, of course, yeah.
Bernardo never renounced physical pleasure.
He was always in the most conflictive places.
And I think that sex was his best shield.
I'm pretty sure the Carmelite is his partner.
You think so?
Definitely.
That is the only way you can stay in Baghdad
and not be afraid of the war.
- What a wonderful story. - Yup.
Don't you dare write it.
No, no, no, of course not.
But how about sin for him?
I mean, don't they feel guilty?
After all, they are Catholic.
Yeah, I don't know. He never talked about that.
With all the horrors you see in war,
feeling guilty about having sex
doesn't really carry much weight,
you simply get used to it.
I know that.
I wrote their story,
their love story, as I imagined it,
but it stayed in my computer.
So, you're gonna write about Dora Carrington's insane love.
[Ingrid] Mm-hm.
And her connection to Virginia Woolf,
who Strachey also pursued romantically.
[Martha] What a group!
I so admire their freedom.
[Ingrid] Strachey died of stomach cancer
18 years after meeting Dora
and Dora survived him by barely two months
before she shot herself in the stomach.
She was only 38.
I'm struck by the symmetry of that kind of gesture,
his stomach cancer
and her shooting herself in the stomach.
I know, it struck me, too.
I wonder what Virginia Woolf thought of Carrington's death?
Maybe Virginia saw...
a kind of warning,
a mirror that reflected her?
As if they were fated?
Do you think I'm fated, too?
No! Of course not.
I've never known anyone more alive than you.
This week I'm starting a new experimental
- immunotherapy treatment. - Uh-huh.
They've already tried it
and it seems to work well with cases of cervical cancer.
- Well, that's great news! - Yeah.
Let me know when I can come and visit you,
- okay? - I will.
- Talking of symmetry... - Mm-hmm?
Do you remember...
Damian Cunningham?
How could I forget?
I inherited him from you. [laughs]
The shared lover.
- Well, I... - I have to say
I felt terrible when you got together
after I'd been with him.
Okay, we didn't share him exactly
because you'd already broken up
and you were out of the country.
I would never go back with him
and, to tell the truth, I was never faithful.
But he was a passionate and enthusiastic lover
and I hope he was for you, too.
I had no complaints.
[both laughing]
[people speaking indistinctly]
Hi.
What is it?
It hasn't worked.
I've got metastases in my liver
- and in my bones. - Oh, Martha.
I should have followed my first instinct.
Should never have put myself through this torture.
This diarrhea, vomiting, fatigue...
to end up like this.
I should never have given in to false hope.
Okay. Okay.
All right, what does the doctor say?
Tell me.
Oh, that I could live for months,
maybe a year.
He wants me to continue with the treatment,
even though it looks hopeless.
Maybe it will work this time.
I don't wanna wallow in self-pity.
But I'm not a stoic. I'm sorry.
I don't wanna go through excruciating pain.
You can't be self-possessed if you're in agony.
You can't think straight.
You can only think of one thing...
the fucking cancer.
[sighs]
I've always taken care of my health,
now I regret it.
The doctor says I have a strong heart.
What does that mean?
My body is just gonna go on fighting...
while I suffer and suffer until my last breath?
[sobs]
I don't know.
I don't know how to help you.
I'm so sorry.
I think I deserve a good death.
At least one without convulsions in my last moments.
Going out with a little bit of dignity,
clean and dry.
But I know I'm asking too much...
[door opens]
[nurse] What are you doing up, Martha?
I'm fucking over this.
- Can you help her, please? - Of course.
Let's get you back in bed.
[Ingrid] Come on. Let me help you.
Bring it on.
Here we go.
I'll end up turning into a junkie.
[sighs]
I am one already, I guess.
It's okay. Really.
[nurse] Here, this will help.
Are you still here?
Yes.
Should I ask them to bring your dinner?
Are you hungry?
No.
Ingrid...
Do you think I need to say goodbye
to my closest friends?
I think you should do whatever you wanna do.
I just want peace and quiet.
Have you thought about how you wanna spend your time?
And where?
Is there some place you'd like to go?
Look.
Pink snowflakes.
There had to be something good about climate change.
Well...
I've lived to see that.
You remember the end of Joyce's The Dead?
[sniffles, voice breaks] Vaguely.
"The snow was falling,
falling on the lonely churchyard,
falling faintly through the universe.
And faintly falling,
like the descent of their last end,
on all the living and the dead."
[gulps]
It's getting late and, uh...
I should be going.
[Ingrid sniffles]
Thank you.
I'll see you tomorrow.
[kisses]
There's still a half an hour before the movie starts.
Should we go in and get our seats before the rush?
No. I wanna talk to you about something.
Okay.
I will not go out in mortifying anguish.
I've gotten hold of a euthanasia pill.
Don't ask me how,
on the dark web you can find almost anything.
I also have an abundance of opioids
for the moments of pain.
And don't look at me like that,
I'm not asking you to convince me otherwise.
I don't know what to say.
I'm hoping you'll say yes.
Yes to what?
To my asking you to help me.
Help you what?
I've faced death several times,
but I've always been accompanied.
We reporters formed a kind of mobile family.
This is another war,
I'm not afraid of it.
But...
like the other times I faced death...
I don't wanna be alone, Ingrid.
I'm asking you...
to be in the next room.
I think we should go get our seats.
Yeah, sure, but I prefer to go on talking to you,
if you don't mind.
Okay. Um...
Do you know when you wanna do this?
Not exactly.
Within a month?
Before I start to deteriorate and you don't recognize me.
These next weeks I should be reasonably well,
but I wanna do it soon.
My doctors think that I'm gonna return
to complete the treatment.
It's best they don't suspect anything.
Where do you wanna do it?
I don't wanna be at home.
And I don't wanna go back to anywhere I've been happy.
It's always a mistake to return to some place
you've been truly happy.
You just ruin the good memories of the first time.
No, I understand that.
I think it will be easier for me to let myself go
if I'm not surrounded by familiar things,
intimate things.
I think that would hold me back.
I prefer some unknown place,
comfortable and safe,
and not too far away.
Do you need my help finding a place
or getting you settled in?
No, no, no.
No, I can take care of that part.
What I need is somebody to be there with me,
in the room next door.
Wouldn't you prefer someone you're closer to?
We're very close.
No, yes, of course, of course we are.
[stammers] Oh, my God, we're very close. I just...
There were years where we didn't see each other.
[sharp inhale]
What about Stella?
[stammering] Or Maggie?
Or Vanessa?
You've all been friends since you were kids.
I admit I thought of them first.
I asked all three of them.
They all were horrified and they all said no.
They understood it,
but they said they could never be a part
of helping me take my own life.
Absolutely not.
- What about your daughter? - It wouldn't be fair to her.
I've been an absent mother.
I don't wanna impose my dying on her.
You could at least consult her and let her be a part of it.
We're two strangers, Ingrid.
She made that clear when I told her
about my doubts about the treatment.
"It's your choice" she said.
And she's right.
Right.
- [horns blaring] - [wind whooshing]
[breathing heavily]
No matter what,
people want you to keep fighting.
This is the way we've been taught to see cancer.
As a fight... between patient and disease,
which is to say between good and evil.
If you survive, you're a hero.
If you lose, well,
perhaps you didn't fight hard enough.
People don't like using words like
"terminal" or "incurable."
They call that defeatist talk.
Some of the worst stuff comes from
the cancer support community.
Some of them think of your cancer as a gift,
an opportunity for spiritual growth.
Bullshit!
People should see this is my way of fighting.
Cancer can't get me if I get me first.
And what's the point in waiting...
when I'm so ready to go?
Are you completely sure you're ready?
Totally.
Since the first diagnosis.
You know I have a terrible fear of death.
I know.
I've read your book.
That's why I didn't ask you first.
But you understand me, don't you?
I do, I do. I envy you.
You're in control of your life.
I only need you to accompany me the days leading to it,
as if we were on vacation.
I just wanna know that, when it happens,
there'll be someone in the next room.
It terrifies me, Martha.
I understand.
I think that you have every right to do this
and I admire you for it,
but I don't know that I can be the one to find you dead.
I'm not that strong.
You're much stronger than you think you are.
Anyway, I had to try.
[Ingrid sighs]
I can't answer you now, Martha,
but I promise you I'll think about it.
Right now I'm too confused and too terrified.
I understand.
I understand it's sudden...
and it's disconcerting.
I'll think of someone.
- I wasn't too much? - No, no.
[line ringing]
- Martha? - [Martha] Hello, Ingrid.
I've made up my mind.
Come on in.
The owner is a jewelry designer.
She's a friend of mine, so I don't pay much rent.
[Damian] Mmm.
You get the impression it's been furnished
with stuff from the garbage.
Not everything.
And it takes talent to pick stuff out of the garbage.
You haven't finished moving in.
- Do you want a hand? - Uh...
No. [sighs]
I'll do it after.
And even so, you're going with Martha.
[sighs] She is totally alone, Damian.
None of her friends are helping her with this.
She even told me I wasn't her first choice.
It's like her daughter doesn't even exist.
In the years I was with her,
she never told me she had a daughter.
I know, it's a...
It's a sad story.
It's a terrible, terrible misunderstanding.
Have you told her that we're in touch?
Uh... No.
Um, we talked about you in a... in a general way.
- She has nice memories of you. - Oh. Really?
Our relationship was mostly physical.
She was always about to go off somewhere else,
that's why our lovemaking had that sense of urgency.
It was like having sex with a terrorist...
it always felt like the last time.
Well, she rates you pretty highly as a lover.
I'd like to know what rating you give me.
Oh, I can't believe you're still flirting with me.
- I'm serious. - No, no, you're not serious.
What's serious is Martha's situation.
And your being terrified of death?
You just published a book about that.
Have you overcome that, thanks to the book?
- No. - [cell phone ringing]
Hi. How are you?
Better.
Much better since you said yes.
Where are you? Are you at home?
Yeah.
I'm watering the plants.
Oh, I thought you had someone who did that for you.
I do.
But today I felt like doing it and I am enjoying it.
[chuckles] Okay. Good.
Um, have you... Have you decided where we're going?
That's why I called.
It's, uh, near Woodstock,
it's about two hours from the city.
It looks fantastic.
Uh, it's a bit expensive, but, hey,
the occasion calls for it. [laughs]
So, do you know how long...
I've rented it for a month.
That should give me more than enough time.
A month?
Yeah. My blood count's low
and I have to take a break
before I start the new treatment,
and you're the only one who knows
I'm not going back to the hospital.
It's not like I've picked a date.
I mean, you'll never know it anyway.
But... I'm ready to go.
I would even say I'm impatient.
I'm gonna be giving a lecture
near Woodstock at Bard in two weeks,
so we can see each other.
Mmm, I don't think that's a good idea,
I'll be with Martha all the time.
I'll call you if I can.
You're going to need a lawyer.
Yes, I should look for one.
Let me help you with that, but I'll have to fill them in.
No, no, in that case, no.
This is an absolute secret.
Martha doesn't even know I've told you.
Okay. But if you need anything, you should let me know.
I worry about you.
Thank you.
[birds chirping]
According to this map,
we go up these stairs to enter the house.
Okay.
[beeps]
[whirring]
Look at this.
[Martha] Wow, it's so beautiful.
It's so much more beautiful than in the photographs.
Is that a real Hopper?
I don't think they would have left it here.
It's a very good copy.
It looks real.
[birds chirping]
[birds continue chirping]
- Do you hear them? - Mm-hmm.
Isn't that wonderful?
And we can lie in the sun, like in the Hopper,
and catch the evening breeze.
[breathing heavily]
Are you okay?
Very happy.
Do you mind if I take this one?
Of course not. It's your house.
Mmm. This one is a little small,
I'm gonna look downstairs.
[Martha] All right.
I'm gonna take this one, okay?
Very good!
You don't mind that I'm not in the room next door?
I can hear you breathe!
And yell!
[chuckles] Okay!
Here we go.
Let's get you unpacked.
Thank you.
I'll unpack it later.
You're not my caretaker, Ingrid.
You're my guest.
Okay.
Um... I'll go unpack my things.
- [objects clattering] - [Martha shouts]
- Martha? - [Martha shouts]
[shouts]
What is it, honey?
- You won't believe it. - What?
I forgot it!
[stammers] You forgot what?
The pill, the euthanasia pill!
I brought all the others! We have to go back.
Oh, it's okay, we'll go back first thing in the morning.
- No, not tomorrow! - Don't worry about it.
We have to go now!
I just need to be sure
that I didn't lose it or misplace it,
that I didn't just dream it up.
Okay.
Buying another pill would be extremely complicated.
[sighs softly]
I have a friend who knows a mathematician
who found it on the dark web.
It's all very sordid,
not to mention totally illegal.
It's scary...
knowing that all that exists
just behind our computer screens.
I feel like a criminal.
I never thought I'd be back here again.
With that wonderful skyline.
Life always surprises you.
All right, let's get to work.
- Okay. - I'll start in the kitchen.
Don't worry, we'll find it.
Just, um... Just try to think of all the places
you usually hide things.
This is the first thing I have ever hidden.
Really?
The only thing I can remember is I put it in an envelope.
Okay. Uh...
Why don't I start in your office?
- Is that okay? Okay. - Yeah, yeah.
Where did I put it? Where did I put it?
Oh, my God. [sighs] We're never gonna find it.
I found an envelope.
That's it!
Where did you find it?
In your desk.
There was key in a drawer and I opened it.
How could I have forgotten?
I even left the key in it?
Well, you meant to take it, at the last minute, you forgot.
It's not so weird.
Thank you.
Such a strange sensation.
It's like being here after I'm dead.
Oh, God, don't say that.
It's too soon for you to refer to yourself as a ghost.
Let me straighten up before we leave.
Thank you.
[door closes]
Forgive me for all this hassle.
I'm sorry, really.
[sighs] It's okay.
What a great place to return to.
Stupid fridge.
You need some help?
I got it.
You know, maybe...
leaving the pill behind was a kind of a sign?
Maybe you're not as ready as you think.
I told you never to say that to me.
I don't remember you telling me that.
I think I've said so many things to you.
That's the problem with chemo brain.
My memory keeps failing me and I get distracted so easily.
It can continue even after the treatment stops
and it can go on for years.
I'll be spared that, at least.
When I write...
When I wrote...
I had to proofread a thousand times.
I can't trust my judgement about anything anymore.
Well...
Then why do you trust this decision?
How do you know it's not chemo brain, too?
I've left the pill in the top drawer
of the bedside table.
If I forget, which I don't think I will,
you will remind me.
And I prefer not to talk about this anymore.
Well, it's my business, too, don't you think?
Sure. Of course.
I'll leave a signed letter for the police
telling them everything, including the name of the pill
and where I got it.
Your name will not appear anywhere.
All you have to do is to say that you know nothing.
Don't budge from that.
I don't wanna give you any more information.
The less you know, the better.
And this is important.
I'll sleep with my door open,
and the day that you find it closed...
is the day it's already happened.
That's the sign, door closed.
I know it's difficult.
But just think we're on vacation.
You can write, we can come and go...
I don't think I'll be able to concentrate.
And if I write,
you might show up in it somewhere
and I don't wanna do that.
Yeah. That could complicate your life
if the police investigate.
Well, I'm not gonna do it.
Wait till I'm dead.
Oh, God!
Can you not say, "Wait until I'm dead," please?
I promise.
I'd like to find a gym somewhere around here
that I can go to a couple of days a week.
I'm the only one who eats
and I don't want to gain ten pounds
while you waste away.
Oh, give me a chance.
I'll catch up with you.
Look, I'm eating.
[Ingrid] I have practically held death in my hands.
I never imagined it would be something so light.
Martha?
[water running]
[Martha] Good morning.
Good morning.
I'm making breakfast.
You want some toast?
No, just some coffee.
Help yourself. It's already made.
There's juice, fruit...
whatever you want.
My behavior yesterday was unacceptable.
I completely understand that it drove you crazy.
But in my current state, I can't make any promises.
So, just in case...
I put a medium-range sedative in this drawer.
And if you find me unbearable,
you just have one and you can relax.
I could have used that last night.
[laughs] You...
You're one of a kind, Martha. You really... You really are.
[birds chirping]
I've made a list of stuff to buy.
We need a few things.
Is there anything you want me to get?
Don't think so.
Do you wanna come to the store with me?
Maybe another day.
It's so nice here.
I'd like to stay if you don't mind.
No, of course not.
I found a gym nearby, too.
That's great.
I think that's a very good idea.
Okay, well...
I have my phone with me if you need anything.
Thanks, love.
[sighs]
Hi.
I was hoping I could use the gym today.
Are you a member?
Uh, no. I'm just in town for a little bit.
If you use one of our personal trainers,
you don't need to be a member.
Um, okay. I'll use one of your trainers then.
You'll like Jonah, you'll see.
Thanks.
So, would you like to start a warm up doing steps?
- Okay. - Is okay?
Do you think you can do this for 30 seconds?
- Um, sure. All right. - Okay, go for it. Have a try.
And we are on. Okay, nice.
- Keep focus on your leg. - Mmm-hmm.
And, if you can, move your arm...
- Okay. - Okay, with each step.
And we are done.
Nice. You're pretty strong, you young lady.
[panting] What I am is winded.
Well, if you want, there are other variations we can do.
[pants]
I mean, you can go try like this.
You can go back and forth.
Or you can jump on it and go left
and right or back and on the box.
- Okay. Okay. - Have a try one more.
- [panting] - Nice.
- Focus on your core here. - Uh-huh.
And breathe. [breathing deeply]
Inhale and exhale.
- [panting] - [Jonah breathing deeply]
Perfect. One more.
[panting]
Is everything okay?
[panting]
When the body's in great shape, it takes longer to die.
When death comes,
the mind wants to go, but the body keeps fighting.
Heart beating "no" with every beat.
Well...
all the more reason to look after yourself.
I live with a friend who's dying.
I'm sorry.
Come. Let's have a seat.
Come here.
[sighs, sniffles]
Is there anything that I can do?
[sighs]
I wish I could give you a hug,
but we're not allowed to touch clients anymore
because of the lawsuits and whatever.
And it's a problem,
because it can be hard to correct people's posture
with just words,
and touching is so important.
This world is absurd and inhumane.
I don't see it improving any time soon.
But thank you, I feel hugged.
[chuckles]
Oh, I've been meaning to read this book.
Isn't it a wonderful title? Erotic Vagrancy.
Do you wanna buy it?
I won't have time to finish it.
I like the way it's laid out here.
[Ingrid] Mmm.
Oh, look.
Martha Gellhorn.
The View from the Ground.
She wrote that you only ever truly love one war,
after that you're just doing your duty.
Which one was yours?
Bosnia, without a doubt.
The fight to survive by the Bosnian people
against a perfectly equipped army...
stole the hearts of all of us
who witnessed the extermination.
There are very few women war correspondents.
War is a man's thing.
You have to sort of become one of the guys
and it was never a problem for me,
I've always lived like a man.
Actually, I think what Michelle really missed...
was having a maternal figure in her life.
And in this, I must admit
she... she was right.
Don't be so hard on yourself.
Hey, look who's coming to town!
The life of the party!
"How bad can it get?
Navigating urban life with integrity."
You feel like going?
No, you know what? I've heard it already
and it's not an evening I'd like to repeat.
We all have our own personal apocalypses.
Are you having an awful time with me?
No, no, I meant him, his lecture.
Global crisis, climate change.
Yeah.
Hi.
I love your hair.
Nice.
When the nightmares come rushing in,
I think about all the men I've loved.
[chuckles] Sounds like a song.
[chuckles] A good one.
[both chuckle]
Even if it was just for one night.
[sighs] Sometimes I think about Damian.
I still think sex is the best way
to fend off looming thoughts of death.
Like those Spanish Carmelites.
Wars turned me into a promiscuous woman, Ingrid.
Good. [laughs]
Are you still in touch with him?
- With who? - Damian.
Um...
You know... Um, from time to time.
"How bad can it get?" [scoffs]
Well... [sighs]
much worse than you imagine, Damian, honey.
Hey.
You all right?
I was trying to write.
I can't.
In this war, I'm incapable of writing anything.
What about reading?
You love to read.
I've tried.
I've tried with some of my favorite writers.
The spell just isn't there anymore.
I'm talking about Faulkner,
Hemingway...
I can't concentrate.
My mind just flies off into the void.
If you're too tired,
I could read to you.
Not just reading,
all pleasure's been reduced.
It's hard to know
what to pay attention to anymore.
I have very little time
and I don't want to waste it.
Okay. Um...
What about music?
I can only listen to the birds singing.
Well, luckily, they give us a serenade every day.
Music decenters me.
It comes between me and whatever it is I'm doing,
even if it's just thinking.
Maybe the chemo is affecting my hearing.
Oh, honey.
I've been reduced to very little of myself.
I long for some peace of body and mind.
And to just talk whenever I'm invaded by memory.
Am I talking too much?
No, no, no, no. Talk all you want,
I love listening to you.
[crickets chirping]
[birds chirping]
[sniffling]
[breathing heavily]
[sniffles]
[birds chirping]
[sobbing]
[continues sobbing]
What's going on?
- What's wrong? - [gasps]
Your door was closed, so I thought you...
Oh, I'm so sorry.
I opened a window
and the breeze must have closed it.
Oh, my God!
[sniffling]
Do you think it's fair to be mad at me
because I'm still alive?
Think of it as a rehearsal.
Now you know how it's gonna be.
You know how you're gonna feel.
You're gonna have to make some calls
and act out all the things we talked about.
And you never knew anything...
and we were on vacation...
Please, just stop!
Okay.
[bugle call playing on TV]
[whimsical music playing on TV]
[laughs]
[tense music playing on TV]
[laughs]
[whirs]
Should we call it a night?
Oh!
Or does the young lady wanna keep watching movies?
Did you tell me that they have The Dead?
Or did I dream that?
Yeah, they have it.
Um, you wanna watch it?
Yes, please.
[Ingrid] Here we go.
Here we go.
[somber music playing on TV]
[Gabriel on TV] Yes, the newspapers are right.
Snow is general all over Ireland.
Falling on every part of the dark central plain,
on the treeless hills.
Softly upon the Bog of Allen
and farther westward, softly falling
into the dark mutinous Shannon waves.
One by one, we're all becoming shades.
- [softly repeating] - Snow is falling,
falling in that lonely churchyard
where Michael Furey lies buried.
Falling faintly through the universe
and faintly falling,
like the descent of their last end,
upon all the living and the dead.
[birds chirping]
Do you hear them?
Mmm-hmm.
[beeps]
[whirring]
It's daytime.
And you're alive.
[birds chirping]
Oh, this is too much.
- Yeah? - This is harder
- than I thought it'd be. - Okay.
I think I need to sit.
All right. Yeah, let's go sit over here.
Here, let me help you.
Hey, I've got you. Here we go.
Here you go.
Okay.
[Martha] Oh!
- Oh, that's much better. - Oh, good.
Before coming here, I made a new will.
Aw, let's not talk about this now, please.
I'm leaving the apartment and everything in it
to Michelle and you.
I found your war journals in your desk.
What do you want us to do with them?
Is it okay if I read them?
Of course you can read them.
Can I tell your story?
You can do what you want.
I won't be here.
Can I say that?
No.
Okay.
[birds chirping]
[crickets chirping]
[sighs]
Let's not talk about this now, okay?
All right, I'll see you there. Bye.
[Martha] Dear Ingrid,
Today is such a beautiful day that it seemed to me it...
Hey.
Hi.
- Everything okay? - Yeah.
This breeze is delicious.
Be careful, it's a little chilly.
Um...
If you don't need me, I'm gonna go to the gym.
But I can stay if you want.
No. Please, go. I don't want to be a downer.
You're not a downer.
You've been pretty well-behaved.
Have you talked to your trainer about me?
Um...
Well... I mean, it came up.
I was talking about being in good shape
and the heart beating to survive.
You know, everything that you talked about in the hospital
and he looked at me like I was a lunatic,
so I told him I had a friend that was sick.
That's all.
Just remember, you know nothing about anything.
[Ingrid] Mm.
Come here, give me a kiss.
- You okay? - Yes.
[lively chatter]
- Hi. - Hi.
I lied to her, I don't like it.
Well, you'll have to practice.
Lying?
Yes. Officially, you aren't aware of Martha's intentions.
Yeah.
And I found a lawyer, in case you need one.
Thank you. Let's not talk about this now.
- Mm. - How'd your lecture go?
Well, they weren't too happy about my not taking questions.
In the end,
people started muttering and someone called me a coward.
It doesn't bother me.
I spent way too much time
caring about my reputation, and for what?
So, what are you doing with all that time you've gotten back?
Are you doing more of what you love?
I have to admit that my interest in things
has been shrinking as I get older.
Martha said the same thing a couple days ago.
There are so few things left that she can really enjoy.
- I understand. - Mm.
But you're not sick.
No, but I feel the same way, especially after the pandemic.
I don't go to the cinema or listen to music.
I... I read a lot,
but only subjects to do with my lectures.
Mm. You still go to galleries? You used to love that.
When we were together, we'd go all the time
and talk about how powerful the art is.
You still like that?
Even if every poet in the world sat down to write a poem
about the climate crisis, it wouldn't save one tree.
At least you're still interested in trees.
I'm interested in sex, too.
Well, then you're not that bad.
When I was young,
if a day went by without sex, I thought it was incomplete.
I remember that.
I'm not nostalgic, but I miss the nights when we'd drink...
and take drugs, have sex,
all that didn't distract us from what we really wanted to do.
You drank and you took drugs.
I mean, more than I did anyway.
I don't know how much you drank,
but you always acted as you were as blitzed as the rest of us.
But you were an essential part of the party.
That is, until you got bored
and went off to discover Europe.
You want to talk about that?
Tell me about your lecture.
[sighs]
I admit that I've become something of a monomaniac.
My own son is no longer speaking to me
because I didn't hide how appalled I was
that his wife is expecting another child.
He doesn't want me anywhere near her
for fear she'll have a miscarriage.
What? How could you tell him that he can't have another child?
- It's their third! - [stammering] What...
So, what's the next logical alternative?
For people to start killing themselves?
People should be aware, once and for all,
of the state of the fucking planet they're living on.
Well, perhaps this isn't the best subject for you.
You're living with a dying woman in a world
also in its death throes.
Do you really think the situation is that desperate?
Yes. Read the science and see what the world is doing with it.
They're releasing more CO2 into the air than ever before.
Sooner or later,
and I fear it will be sooner, all this will be shot to hell.
Nothing is going to hasten the end of the planet
more than the survival of neo-liberalism
and the rise of the far right.
And we have both of them here, marching side by side.
Sorry, I didn't want to bring you down, but...
I get riled up with this.
You cannot go around telling people that there's no hope.
It's tragic.
And maybe it's really unpleasant of me to say so,
but I've completely lost faith
in people doing the right thing.
I'm living every day expecting to find Martha's body in her bed,
but that doesn't stop me from enjoying every minute with her,
just the opposite.
I'm learning from her and you should, too,
because there are lots of ways to live inside a tragedy.
Of course it's painful,
but I can take it.
And I'm trying to live
with the same joy that she has,
and with the same appreciation, so...
the last thing I need is a speech like yours.
I've always admired you for that.
What?
You're one of the only people who knows how to suffer
without making others feel guilty about it.
[sighs]
Do you think it will be much longer?
No, it'll be soon. Any day now.
You have to be prepared.
I know the police.
They'll ask you all sorts of questions,
they'll dig into your relationship like scavengers.
You need a kind of mental script.
No, I thought about it, I do have it.
Good. Stay strong and stick to your story.
And when it happens,
you should call the police before you call me.
No, I need to call her daughter.
I should call her before I call you.
Okay, but be careful what you say to her.
I had to tell the lawyer about the situation.
Why do we have to go through all this, like we're criminals?
Shouldn't dying people have the right
to end their lives with dignity?
They will, once our teetering health system
completely collapses.
[birds chirping]
Martha?
[Martha] Dear Ingrid,
today is such a beautiful day
that it seemed to me it was the moment to leave.
It consoled me that you weren't in the room downstairs,
even though that was the idea.
But you know I always improvise
and I'm almost happy that,
while I fade away on the lounger,
you're out in the world,
experiencing something different to my death.
No one will be able to accuse you of complicity.
You have accompanied me
as much as any human being can accompany another.
Call my daughter and tell her I'm sorry.
And thank you, love.
Martha.
I'll do whatever you want.
[sniffling]
[birds cawing]
We had dinner and then we watched a Buster Keaton movie.
I told you this already.
And you didn't notice anything strange,
anything that made you suspect...
Try to remember.
I remember it perfectly, it was a fun night.
There were no gestures? Nothing she said?
We said goodnight and then I went upstairs
and I stayed up late reading a book
that Martha had recommended called Erotic Vagrancy.
It's about Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton.
- Do you know it? - No.
Martha and I both thought that it was really fun.
Try to answer only the questions I ask you.
What'd you do the following morning?
I had lunch with a friend.
And when I came back, I called out for her
and when she didn't answer,
I went to her bedroom.
But she wasn't there.
So I went into the backyard and that's when I saw her.
And, at first, I thought that she was asleep on the lounge chair
and I got really nervous and I called the ambulance.
And they got there very quickly
and then the EMTs saw her
and then they said there was nothing that they could do.
Nobody buys this pill by accident
if they're not thinking of suicide or killing someone,
so, you didn't know anything about this?
About what?
About her being in possession of this illegal compound.
No. She was taking medication for the pain,
you know, patches and pills, but she...
she never shared the specifics with me.
It is strange that,
if you two were such good friends,
that she didn't say anything to you.
You can't just walk into a drugstore and buy this pill.
It's very difficult to come by.
I think when she rented the house,
she already knew what she was gonna do, right?
It's possible,
but she didn't tell me anything.
She was exhausted from the last treatment
and she wanted to take a break before going back
for the next round of chemo.
She wasn't the type to throw in the towel.
She didn't complain?
She didn't say anything that made you sense...
the end?
It was a great responsibility for you.
She complained sometimes.
What did she complain about? What did she say?
She'd lost the capacity for attention.
She couldn't read or write, for example.
Her life was reduced to surviving.
You know, I find it very hard to believe
that she didn't say anything that made you suspect the end.
It was more than evident that she was very sick,
but she wanted to take a vacation
before going back to the hospital.
I told you this already.
So, we also spoke to some of Martha's close friends.
In general, they all coincide with your testimony.
But one of them, Stella Byrne,
told us that, after Martha finished her chemotherapy,
that she proposed that she accompany her
to a house in the country
where she intended to commit suicide.
Asked her to, and I quote...
"Be in the room next door."
And her friend refused.
I wasn't in the room next door, I was in the room downstairs.
When I spoke to Mrs. Byrne
and informed her of the suicide,
she told me she wasn't surprised.
There's another word for what Martha did, it's called euthanasia.
Well, call it what you want,
but, for me, what your friend did is a crime
and, as a policeman, as a human being,
as a man of faith,
I'm radically opposed to anyone committing a crime.
And, of course, anyone aiding and abetting in one.
[cell phone clicking]
[line ringing]
Damian, can you come down to the police station, please?
This is endless.
How do you explain that your friend Martha
was so explicit with Mrs. Byrne
and yet she didn't tell you anything about her intentions?
I'm not gonna say another word.
If I'm under arrest, then tell me the charges.
Otherwise, I'll wait in the hall for my lawyer.
Very foresighted of you.
What made you think you'd need a lawyer?
Why don't you ask your friend, he witnessed the interrogation.
[sighs] I think you're lying.
And that you're the kind of person who wouldn't say no
if a friend asked you for help committing suicide.
Let her go.
[buzzes]
Hey.
- Hi. - Hi.
- How are you? - I'm okay.
This is my lawyer, Sarah.
- Hi. Pleasure. - Thank you for coming.
Of course. Damian's filled me in.
Is there anything I should know about the interrogation?
Well, he treated me like I was the killer.
- But you were with me. - He doesn't care.
He insists that I'm implicated.
Okay, but...
He spoke to a friend of Martha, Stella Byrne,
who said that Martha had approached her first
and she refused to help her.
Okay, well, I'm sure everything was recorded.
- Mm-hmm. - [door opens]
Um, and this police officer witnessed everything.
You can come in now.
I'll go in alone. I'm her attorney.
Don't worry, this is all very clear.
Thank you for coming.
- My pleasure. - [door buzzes]
Jesus! What an asshole!
I've never been treated like that before.
You were unlucky enough to come up against a religious fanatic,
but he's not gonna bother you again.
I'm gonna file a complaint.
Thank you so much for everything.
You still need to be available for the next 48 hours
until forensic formalities are done.
Um, I told them to call me if necessary.
I'll be at the house.
Do you have all the information you need?
Yes, Damian gave it to me.
Just give me a call if anything comes up, okay?
I'm gonna head back to the office.
I'm really sorry for your loss.
- Thank you. - Thanks, Sarah.
Bye.
I can't believe Stella told him that.
Well, he probably cornered her,
and they have Martha's computer and her cell phone.
[Ingrid] Mm.
Do you know if they talked?
No, I don't know, she didn't tell me anything.
What do you wanna do?
I need to go back to the house and pack up Martha's things.
[cell phone ringing]
Sorry.
Hello?
Uh, speaking.
[whispers] It's Michelle.
Martha's daughter?
Yes, of course.
No, no, of course you can come over.
I'm headed there right now. I'll text you the address.
Okay, I'll see you soon. Bye.
Wow. Wow.
I'm headed back to the city,
so tell me when you're back and I'll help you with your move.
Thank you for everything.
And you can tell me how it went with Michelle.
I will.
- Thanks. I'll call you, okay? - Okay. Take care.
[birds chirping]
Hello, I'm Michelle.
I'm Ingrid.
Hi.
- Let's go inside, okay? - Yeah.
Come on in.
Do you wanna see your mother's room?
Yes, please.
It's right down there. Right down the hall.
I made some coffee.
Would you like some?
Uh, I also have tea.
No, coffee's great. Thank you.
Here you go.
Did she tell you about me?
Of course she did.
And she told me you were very upset that you never met your father.
So she told you about my father?
She did.
[coffee pouring]
Don't you think she could have helped him
when he came back from the war?
She helped him as best she could.
Your father came back very badly damaged
and he wanted to move to another city and start a new life.
His plans never included you or Martha.
And your mother accepted the end of the relationship and...
And she saw him in such a bad way
that she gave him a kiss to give him some peace
and that kiss turned into something more.
And you are the fruit of that moment.
My mother never told me anything about that.
It's a difficult thing to explain to a child.
She could have told me later.
By then you were so estranged
that she didn't feel it was possible anymore.
She was a teenager,
she had a life to live,
and your father moved to San Diego
and he made no effort to know you.
So, Ingrid,
do you think I was totally mistaken about Martha?
You were unfair,
but no one can blame you for wanting to know who your father was.
It's a sad story,
it was very painful for both of you.
Don't be so hard on yourself,
Martha wasn't the perfect mother.
No, she wasn't.
Can I stay here tonight?
Yes, of course. This is your mother's house!
[crickets chirping]
[Ingrid] Dear Martha,
I thought you'd like to know I've come back to the house in the woods
to gather up your things.
Your daughter came to see me.
I'm still shaking.
She looks so like you.
She asked me if she could stay and sleep in your bed...
and, of course, I said yes.
I think your death has brought her closer to you.
I never thought I'd inherit her,
even if it's just for a day.
The house is filled with you.
When I came in, after talking to the police,
the first thing I saw was the door of your room,
and it was open.
And I said to myself, "She's alive."
[birds chirping]
I came out here to listen to the birds.
Your mother would get up like this,
at dawn,
and lie right there.
Look, it's snowing.
[sighs]
[wind blowing]
The snow is falling.
It's falling on the lonely pool
we never used.
It's falling on the woods,
where we walked and you lay,
exhausted, on the ground.
Falling on your daughter and on me.
Falling upon the living and the dead.
《隔壁的房間》
(里佐利書店)
- 嗨,妳好嗎? - 我很好,謝謝
簽誰的名字?
芭比,草字頭的芭
在序言裡
妳說寫這本書是為了 更瞭解和接受死亡
對,我覺得死亡很不自然
我無法接受有生必有死
謝謝
英格麗
簽一小時就夠了
其實超過時間了
但還有很多人在等
好,就照妳的意思
能幫我簽名嗎?
史黛拉
我沒看到妳
妳為什麼不直接過來?
人家不好意思
妳有一大群書迷
- 許多年輕人 - 謝謝
不只是女性
史黛拉,這是安 安,我朋友史黛拉
- 幸會 - 幸會
我會留到所有人簽完
好,我去確定不會有更多人排隊
好
好久不見
我住在波士頓
我來看我兒子
順便去醫院看瑪莎
妳知道她罹癌吧?
很嚴重
瑪莎?
瑪莎杭特?
對
她在曼哈頓紀念癌癥中心
我以為妳聽說了
沒有,老實說,我好幾年沒見到她
瑪莎生病了?我無法想像
妳去探望會讓她很開心
當然了
我當然會去
感謝過來,十分感激
恭喜
謝謝
- 很快見 - 謝謝
- 再見 - 再見
嗨
- 簽誰的名字? - 法蘭西絲
- 是妳嗎? - 不,是我女友
她很崇拜妳
- 我也是 - 謝謝
妳能寫“下不為例”嗎?
當然可以
好,謝謝
下不為例
希望如此
嗨,我來探望瑪莎杭特
她在十六樓
好,等一下
好,一六一四房
電梯在走廊盡頭,左邊
- 謝謝 - 不客氣
瑪莎?
英格麗
太意外了
妳怎麼知道的?
我遇到史黛拉,她說的
我好抱歉,都不知道妳病了
妳和我都忙著工作
時光匆匆
對,我當時住在巴黎
我聽說了,我一直有讀妳的書
我知道妳出版新書,反應很好
謝謝
那麼
妳好嗎?
妳一定厭煩告訴大家了
是子宮頸癌,第三期
無法手術,但正在治療
看來我還不會死
我成了實驗治療的白老鼠
結果比醫生預期的更好
- 太好了 - 是啊
好極了,妳看起來精神很好
我在喜悅和憂鬱之間搖擺
難為妳了
這很正常,醫生警告過我
情緒忽起忽落
聽起來很荒謬
但在接受和準備面對結局後
生存意志變得無關緊要
別說洩氣話
不,我有心理準備要離開
其實我得知初步診斷時
我不想要治療
很高興妳改變主意了
因為光是想到
我來不及見妳...
總之我明白實際上
我還沒準備好瀟灑離去
但我真的已經認命了
我想認命未嘗不是好事
但不要放棄,對吧?
妳經歷了許多戰爭,記得吧?
我每天都忘不了
英格麗,好開心見到妳
我有無數次想打給妳
我也是
我們都沒見面真說不過去
我保證會常來探望,直到妳看膩我
妳願意嗎?
妳保證?
我會記住妳的承諾
妳女兒知道吧?
知道
我當初決心放棄治療時,我跟她說了
她只是說
“這是妳的選擇”
沒了,好像這是件小事
不干她的事
妳們倆處得如何?
老樣子
我們幾乎不聯絡
她從事哪一行?
她很成功
她是古典音樂家的經紀人
聽起來可能很可怕
但我感覺她不是我女兒
我常幻想她出生時被調包
什麼?
胡說,她看起來就像妳
她長得跟妳一模一樣
她不喜歡我這個母親
為什麼?
我青少年時就生下她
有個嬰兒讓我不知所措
我們開始在《紙》雜誌工作時 記得嗎?
我們幾乎是過夜生活
記得八零年代的紐約嗎?
記得
夜生活才精彩
然後我去當戰地記者
經常旅行
親子關係每下愈況
我的工作佔據了所有時間
我從來就不是稱職的母親
但蜜雪兒在我離家前就開始討厭我
我記得她小時候就感到她的怨恨
她毫不掩飾
她無法忍受沒有父親
她看到其他女孩有爸爸陪
她想知道她爸的事
起初我跟她說我不知道是誰
但適得其反
我騙了她
我當然知道她爸是誰
他叫做佛瑞德
他被徵召前我們交往幾個月
然後他上戰場
直到越戰結束
一年後他回來時,他...
變了一個人
佛瑞德,怎麼回事?
他變得破碎不全
沒事,沒關係
有我在,都結束了,你回家了
但對我來說還沒結束
我腦海裡還有戰爭
揮之不去
我每天都會產生幻覺
我只能靠嗑藥度日
我不知道這輩子有何打算
但我不會留下來
沒關係
想做什麼就去吧
想清楚如何對你最好
好
謝謝
我能吻妳嗎?
蜜雪兒知道嗎?
她一學會說話就開始問她爸的事
但這種事很難跟小孩解釋吧?
她到了青春期,我們已經形同陌路
她青少年就這樣度過了
那時我已經不在了
我在紐約,跟妳一起享受人生
有天晚上我約了佛瑞德,告訴他情況
我上了急救課
因為我是退伍軍人
聖地牙哥的醫院雇用我
這是好消息吧?
我也有消息要告訴你
我懷孕了
- 妳懷孕了? - 對
但我打算下週搬去聖地牙哥
那我們該怎麼辦?
不管如何,我爸媽都會支持我
我不會獨自面對
有創傷的人不應該去醫院工作
那是最接近戰爭的場所
他需要治療和復健
對,那樣才合理
但他想要做出貢獻
來安撫他的良心
他相信幫助面臨生死關頭的人
最有機會讓他重拾平靜
我不忍心要求他負責
他在蜜雪兒出生前就離開了
他從沒見過她
他一次都沒打來問她好不好
妳哪時告訴她的?
她十二歲時
她想知道他住在哪
我早就跟他失聯了
她非常堅持
我找到他的高中老友
他說佛瑞德結婚了
但前陣子過世了
我要了他太太的電話
然後我打給她
我想知道發生什麼事
她說那時他們旅行後要回家
那是煙嗎?
對
失火了
房子著火了
我們應該打給消防隊
停車
佛瑞德
你要幹嘛?
- 我去看 - 別去
太離譜了,佛瑞德
- 裡面可能有人 - 佛瑞德,別衝動
別進去,很危險,看著我,有我在
我們找個加油站,打給消防隊吧
妳沒聽到叫聲嗎?
沒有,我什麼都沒聽到
佛瑞德,拜託,佛瑞德
佛瑞德,別進去
妳沒聽到叫聲嗎?
裡面有人在求救
佛瑞德
先生
拜託幫我
- 先生,拜託 - 快去
- 拜託,我老公在裡面 - 梯子昇起
我老公在裡面
- 他以為聽到求救聲 - 後面用兩條水管
他跑進屋裡
想救出困在火海的人
好,回去車上,別過去
- 我會留在這裡 - 請冷靜,女士,還有別人嗎?
- 我不知道 - 梯子昇起,夥伴,梯子
裡面有平民,請回去車上,女士
好,進去
從上面窗戶進去
小心,要爆炸了
行了
很遺憾,我們盡全力了
他沒上去二樓
他一定是因為煙霧和火焰昏了過去
其他屍體呢?
沒有別人了
這房子廢棄已久
裡面只有妳丈夫
可是他...
他說聽到求救聲
不可能,女士
沒有別人了
沒錯
我也沒聽到叫聲
我想阻止他進去
但阻止不了
他很勇敢
妳都告訴蜜雪兒了嗎?
我被她逼問每個細節
我連她爸妻子的電話都給了
這樣吧
我扶妳回床上,妳累了
對,但我還沒說完
我們之後再聊吧
有一天
- 我接到佛瑞德妻子的電話 - 好
她跟我要了地址
她要寄東西給我
過了不久
我収到郵件,裡面有一封信
是蜜雪兒寄給她的
介紹她自己
還說就是她...
佛瑞德的女兒
在那間著火的屋子裡
“他想救的是我
他是為我而死”
蜜雪兒對他妻子這樣說
太誇張了
是啊
嗨
我是瑪莎,麻煩鬼
妳才不是麻煩鬼
感覺如何?
很好,我在家
醫院讓我在治療空檔休息幾天 我就回家
我希望妳能過來
我正在搬家
那妳很忙吧?
搬家就是一堆事嘛
但如果妳覺得寂寞,我能過去
我們能去公園散步
我可能不太適合散步
這樣好了
我完成手邊事會馬上過去
謝了,親愛的,但別太勉強
- 送妳 - 妳真貼心
- 我還帶了幾本書給妳 - 謝謝
想喝點什麼嗎?
喝茶好了
- 花草茶就行 - 好
- 我把花放進花瓶 - 好
這些都是給妳的
妳要負責吃完
好豐盛,我會盡力
我喜歡水菓
妳在忙什麼新計劃嗎?
被妳猜中了
我在研究畫家朵拉卡靈頓
還有她跟作家利頓史崔奇的緊密情誼
就是他
史崔奇是同性戀
她嫁給他迷戀的直男
這會是三角關係的故事
並不創新,但我想發展看
這裡,妳看
她時運不濟,還有一位更出名的畫家
- 李奧諾拉卡靈頓 - 對,超現實主義畫家
她的名字顯然跟她很像
朵拉
她跟史崔奇的離奇愛情故事廣為人知
她為他付出十七年人生
不得了
這會是虛構的傳記
我也會杜撰一些情節
我從來不許自己杜撰故事
希望沒有
妳是戰地記者
對,非得如此
不能流露感情
要抑制情緒才能盡好本份
就算身在人間地獄也要活在當下
也許我應該寫妳,而不是卡靈頓
妳才不會想寫疾病和治療
妳錯囉
我只是個記者
對戰爭和刺激上了癮
妳覺得這沒什麼?
有好有壞
日子總得過
有一篇報導,我添加了一點想像
真的?
其實我沒有刊登
那是在伊拉克戰爭期間
在離開巴格達的前一天
你確定沒走錯路?
對,就在這條巷子左轉
我們長話短說
(外國媒體)
這裡,停車
馬丁,你怎麼來巴格達了?
- 你氣色很好,真的 - 謝謝
抱歉,帕可,馬丁
他跟我一樣是聖衣會士
幸會,介紹你們認識瑪莎
她是《紐約時報》的優秀記者
他們就是我提過的聖衣會士
很高興認識兩位
你們打算留在巴格達?
對,我們就在這裡
但你們孤立無援
所有非政府組織和紅十字會 都已經離開
我知道
情況失控了,非常危險
你們也在這裡
對,但我們只是經過
我們訪問完你們就會走
我們不能讓人民失望 他們正需要我們
沒錯,但還是極度危險
你們心裡有數
我們不能讓人民失望,女士
能不能拍你們和傳教的庇護所?
好
你能拍我和傳教現況
但他不想讓西班牙的家人看到
- 他們會擔心 - 沒問題
合情合理,其中一人入鏡就行
- 好 - 當然
- 這裡? - 對
再靠近一點
行了,這樣就看得見衝擊
你應該拍到了
過多久了...
自從我們上次見面?
五年了
五年
好久
你記得賴比瑞亞的事嗎?
我哪忘得了?
聽著,有些你的照片後來沒有刊登
給我地址,我能寄給你
或是寄給大使館
不,你留著吧
當作我陪著你
好
很高興見到你
保重
- 再見 - 註意安全
你怎麼認識那個聖衣會士的?
我們在獅子山相遇
在那裡相愛
- 真的? - 對
之後我們還見過幾次
總是在戰地
你們有做愛嗎?
當然了
貝納多抗拒不了肉體愉悅
他總是身在最衝突的地方
我想性就是他的最佳防護
我很確定另一人是他的伴侶
你覺得?
肯定是
唯有這樣留在巴格達才不會害怕戰爭
- 好美的故事 - 是啊
妳可不准寫
當然不會
那他的罪呢?
他們沒有罪惡感嗎? 畢竟他們是天主教徒
不清楚,他從來沒提過
戰爭會讓人看盡恐怖景象
做愛有沒有罪惡感變得無足輕重
你只會習慣
我明白
我寫了他們的故事
我想像中他們的愛情故事
但只存在我的電腦裡
妳要寫朵拉卡靈頓瘋狂的愛
還有她跟維吉尼亞吳爾芙的關係
史崔奇也追求過吳爾芙
這群人真有趣
我很欣賞他們的奔放
史崔奇在遇到朵拉十八年後死於胃癌
朵拉不到兩個月後也死了
她朝自己的胃開槍
她死時才卅八歲
這種示愛的對照令我感動
他的胃癌和她朝胃開槍
沒錯,我也很感動
不曉得維吉尼亞吳爾芙 對卡靈頓的死有何想法?
也許維吉尼亞看到...
某種警告
一面映照出自己的鏡子?
彷彿她們是命中註定?
妳想我也是命中註定嗎?
當然不是
我從沒見過比妳更有活力的人
這週我要開始一種 新的實驗性免疫療法
他們已經試過
似乎對子宮頸癌病例很有效
- 真是好消息 - 是啊
跟我說哪時能來探望妳
- 好嗎? - 我會的
說到對照
妳還記得...
達米安康寧漢嗎?
我哪忘得了?
我從妳那裡収留了他
共享的愛人
- 這個嘛 - 我承認
我很不是滋味 跟他交往後你們又在一起
我們不算共享他
因為你們已經分手,妳也出國了
我永遠不會跟他復合
說實話,我從來就不專情
但他是個熱情專註的情人
我希望他也適合妳
我沒什麼好抱怨
嗨
怎麼了?
沒效
轉移到肝臟和骨頭了
瑪莎啊
我早該聽從自己的直覺
我絕不該讓自己經歷這種折磨
腹瀉、嘔吐、疲勞
結果卻沒用
我絕不該懷抱盲目希望
冷靜
醫生怎麼說?
告訴我
我能活幾個月
也許一年
他希望我繼續治療
儘管看起來毫無希望
也許這次會成功
我不想自怨自艾
但我沒這麼能忍,抱歉
我不想承受劇烈痛苦
人陷入痛苦就會無法自持
無法正常思考
你只能想到一件事
該死的癌癥
我向來很顧健康
我後悔了
醫生說我的心臟很強 這是什麼意思?
我的身體會繼續戰鬥
讓我受苦受難到最後一口氣?
我不知道
我不知道怎麼幫妳
我很遺憾
我値得好的死法
起碼臨死前不會抽搐
保留一點尊嚴離去
乾淨俐落
但我要求太高了
瑪莎,妳怎麼起來了?
我受夠了
- 請幫她好嗎? - 當然
妳該上床了
來吧,我幫妳
拿來吧
好了
我最後會淪為毒蟲
我大概已經是毒蟲了
沒關係,真的
來吧,這會有幫助
妳還在嗎?
在啊
我請人去拿晚餐好嗎?
妳餓了嗎?
不餓
英格麗
妳覺得我需要跟幾位摯友道別嗎?
我覺得妳應該隨心所欲
我只想要平靜和安靜
妳有沒有想過
要怎麼安享餘生?
在哪裡?
妳想去哪個地方嗎?
妳看
粉紅色的雪花
氣候變遷不無好處
沒想到
我活到見證了
記得喬伊斯《死者》的結尾嗎?
有點印像
“下雪了
飄落在孤獨的墓地
在宇宙中微微飄落
微微飄落
彷彿進入最終尾聲
飄落在所有生者...
和死者身上”
時間不早了
我該走了
謝謝妳
明天見
電影還有半小時才開始
要不要避開人潮先進去找位置?
不用,我有件事想跟妳談
好
我不會在痛苦中離世
我弄到安樂死的藥
別問我管道 闇網上幾乎什麼都弄得到
我也有大量的鴉片能止痛
別那樣看我
我不是要妳說服我
我不知道該說什麼
我希望妳會答應
答應什麼?
我想請求妳幫我
幫妳什麼?
我面對過幾次死亡
但我一直有人陪
我們記者組成一種行動家庭
這也是戰爭
我不害怕
可是
就像過去幾次我面對死亡
我不想孤單一人,英格麗
我請求妳
在隔壁的房間陪我
我們該進去找位置了
當然
但我寧願繼續談,請別介意
好
妳決定何時要安樂死?
不太確定
一個月內?
在我開始惡化,妳認不出我之前
接下來幾週我的情況應該還行
但我想盡快進行
我的醫生以為我會回去完成療程
最好別讓他們起疑
妳想在哪進行?
我不想在家裡
我也不想回去曾讓我快樂的地方
回去讓自己真正快樂過的地方 並不明智
只會破壞當初的美好回憶
對,我瞭解
我會更容易安心離去
只要身邊沒有熟悉的事物
親密的事物
那會阻礙我
我寧可去個陌生地方
舒適又安全
不會太遠
要我幫忙找地方或讓妳安頓嗎?
不必
我能處理那部份
我只需要有人陪我
在隔壁的房間
妳不會想找更親的人嗎?
我們很親啊
當然了,我們當然很親
我的天,我們很親的
但我們好幾年沒見了
史黛拉呢?
還是瑪姬?
還是凡妮莎?
妳們從小就是朋友
我承認我先想到她們
我問了她們三人
她們都嚇壞了,也都拒絕了
她們能理解
但她們不願幫我結束生命
絕不可能
- 妳女兒呢? - 這對她不公平
我沒有盡母職陪她
我不想逼她陪我臨終
妳起碼能找她商量,讓她參與
我們倆是陌生人,英格麗
我說我對治療有疑慮時,她就表明了
她說:“這是妳的選擇”
她說得對
好
無論如何
別人都希望妳繼續奮戰
我們都被教導要抗癌到底
這種病人與疾病的拉扯
可說是善與惡的拉扯
活下來,就是英雄
輸了
也許是不夠努力
大家不喜歡使用一些字眼
像是“末期”或“無藥可救”
所謂的失敗主義言論
有些最糟糕的觀念來自癌癥互助團體
他們有些人認為癌癥是禮物
是精神成長的機會
胡扯
大家應該見識我的奮戰方式
我先戰勝自己,癌癥就戰勝不了我
等待有何意義?
我都準備好要走了
妳完全確定準備好了?
百分之百
從首次診斷開始
妳明知我非常害怕死亡
我知道
我讀過妳的書
所以我才沒先問妳
- 但妳能理解我吧? - 我當然能理解
我很羨慕妳能掌控自己的人生
我只需要妳陪我度過餘日
就好像我們在度假
我只想確定事情發生時
隔壁的房間會有人
我嚇壞了,瑪莎
我瞭解
妳大有權利這樣做,我很佩服妳
但我不確定能成為發現妳死掉的人
我沒那麼堅強
妳比自己想像的堅強多了
我總得問妳
我無法馬上回答妳,但我保證會考慮
現在我太混亂了,也太害怕了
我瞭解
我瞭解這很突然
又令人不安
我會想到別人的
我不會太過份嗎?
不會
瑪莎?
喂,英格麗
我已經決定了
請進
屋主是珠寶設計師
她是我朋友,所以租金不高
傢俱看起來都像廢物回収
又不是所有傢俱
懂得回収也需要天份
妳還沒有安頓好
要幫忙嗎?
不用
我之後再整理
即使如此,妳還是要跟瑪莎去
她孤伶伶的,達米安
她的朋友都幫不了她
她甚至說我不是她的首選
好像她女兒根本不存在
我跟她在一起的幾年 她從沒說有個女兒
別放心上
那是個悲傷故事
是個糟糕透頂的誤會
妳有跟她說過我們保持聯繫嗎?
沒有
我們有聊到你,但只是帶過
- 她對你留下美好回憶 - 真的?
我們的關係主要是肉體上
她總是要趕去別的地方
所以我們做愛有一種急迫感
就像跟恐怖份子上床
總是感覺像是最後一次
她對你作為情人的評價很高喔
我倒想知道妳對我的評價
你竟然還會跟我調情
- 我是認真在問 - 你別鬧了
重點是瑪莎的情況
還有妳害怕死亡?
妳剛出了一本書
那本書有讓妳克服死亡嗎?
沒有
嗨,妳還好嗎?
好多了
自從妳答應就好多了
- 妳在哪?在家嗎? - 對
我在給植物澆水
我以為妳有請人幫妳澆水
我有啊
但今天我想自己來,我很享受
太好了
妳決定好去哪了嗎?
所以我才打給妳
在胡士托附近,離市區兩小時
看起來很棒
有點貴,但這種場合値得
那妳要租多久?
我租了一個月
對我來說綽綽有餘
一個月?
對,我的血細胞計數過低
我要休息一下,才能開始新療程
但只有妳知道我不會回醫院
日子由不得我選
我是說
反正世事難料
但我準備好了
我甚至會說我等不及了
我2週後要去胡士托附近的巴德演講
我們能見面
這不是好主意 我會一直跟瑪莎在一起
我看情況打給你
妳會需要律師
對,我應該找個律師
我幫妳,但我要說出實情
不行,那樣就不行
這是絕對的祕密
瑪莎連我跟你說都不知道
好,但妳需要什麼就告訴我
我很擔心妳
謝謝
根據地圖
我們要上樓進去屋子
好
妳看
好漂亮
比照片裡的漂亮多了
那是霍普的真跡嗎?
真跡不會留在這裡吧
是很棒的複製畫
看起來像真的
妳有聽到嗎?
是不是很棒?
我們能沐浴在陽光下 就像在霍普的畫裡
享受傍晚的微風
妳還好嗎?
很開心
介意我選這間嗎?
當然不介意,這是妳的房子
這間有點小,我去樓下看
好
我要這間,好嗎?
很好
不介意我不在隔壁的房間吧?
我聽得到妳的呼吸
還有叫聲
好
好了
幫妳整理行李吧
謝謝
我晚點再整理
妳不是我的看護,英格麗
妳是我的客人
好
那我去整理我的行李
瑪莎?
怎麼了,親愛的?
- 難以置信 - 什麼?
我居然忘了
妳忘了什麼?
安樂死的藥
其他藥都帶了,我們要回去
別慌,我們明天一早就回去
- 別擔心 - 不行明天
現在就要回去
我要確定沒弄丟或放錯地方
我也不是在幻想
好
再買一次這種藥非常複雜
我有個朋友認識一位數學家
他在闇網上找到的
這種事很不光彩
更別提完全非法
想起來很可怕
各種齷齪勾當
都藏在電腦螢幕後方
我覺得自己像個罪犯
我從沒想過還會回家
天際線好美
生活總是會給人驚喜
好,幹活了
- 好 - 我從廚房開始找
別擔心,會找到的
想想妳平常會藏東西的所有地方
- 這是我第一次藏東西 - 真的?
我只記得把它放進一個信封裡
好
先從妳的辦公室開始吧?
- 可以嗎?好 - 好
我到底放哪了?
我的天,會找到天荒地老
(永別)
我找到一個信封
就是這個
妳在哪找到的?
妳的書桌
抽屜裡有鑰匙,我打開了
我怎麼會忘了?
我還把鑰匙留在裡面?
妳打算最後再拿,結果忘了
才不奇怪
謝謝
好詭異的感覺
彷彿我死後還在這裡
天啊,別說這種話
妳把自己說成鬼還太早
離開前打起精神吧
謝謝妳
原諒我添了麻煩
對不起,真的
沒關係
回來這裡真好
討厭的冰箱
需要幫忙嗎?
我行
也許啊
忘了帶藥是一種徵兆?
也許妳以為準備好但沒有
我講過永遠別說這種話
我不記得妳要我別說
我以為對妳說了好多話
這就是化療腦的毛病
我的記憶不斷衰退,容易分心
即使治療結束,情況仍會繼續
會持續好幾年
好在我不會拖那麼久
我現在寫作時
我過去寫作時
我要校對上千次
我再也相信不了我的判斷
那妳為何相信這個決定?
妳怎麼知道這不也是化療腦的作用?
我把藥放在床頭櫃最上面的抽屜裡
如果我忘了
照理說我不會忘
妳要提醒我
我不想再聊這件事了
這也是我的事,不是嗎?
當然了
我會留一封簽名信給警方
坦承一切,包括藥的名稱和來源
妳的名字絕對不會出現
妳只要說妳毫不知情
別改變主意
我不想給妳更多資訊
妳知道的愈少愈好
有件事很重要
我會開著門睡覺
妳哪天發現門關著
就是發生的那天
這是闇號,門關著
我懂這很難受
但就想成我們在度假
妳能寫作,我們能到處逛逛
我應該沒辦法專心
如果我寫作
妳可能會跑出去,這可不妙
好
如果警方調查,妳的生活會變很複雜
我不會寫作
那等我死吧
天啊
拜託別說“等我死吧”,拜託
我保證不說了
我想在附近找間健身房,一週去幾天
光是我在吃 我不想妳更消瘦,我變胖子
給我機會嘛
我會趕上妳的
看我在吃了
“我幾乎將死亡握在手中
我無法想像死亡會如此輕”
瑪莎?
早安
我在做早餐
妳要吐司嗎?
不用,咖啡就好
請便,已經煮好了
有菓汁、水菓
隨妳吃
我昨天的行為太糟糕了
我完全能理解妳會抓狂
但以我目前的狀態
我無法做出保證
以防萬一
我在抽屜裡放了中效型鎮定劑
要是妳覺得我難以忍受
吃一顆就能放鬆
我昨晚就該吃的
妳真是奇葩,瑪莎,真心不騙
我列了購物清單
我們需要幾樣東西
還要我買什麼嗎?
應該不用
想跟我一起去商店嗎?
改天再說吧
這裡真好
我想留下來,別介意
當然不要緊
我也在附近找到健身房了
太好了
真是好主意
好吧
需要什麼就打手機給我
謝了,親愛的
(山頂健身房)
嗨
我希望今天能用健身房
妳是會員嗎?
不是,我只是在當地待一陣子
選擇我們的私人教練就不必加入會員
好,那我選擇你們的教練
妳會喜歡喬納的,等著看吧
謝謝
想先熱身嗎?階梯練習?
- 好 - 好嗎?
妳能這樣做卅秒嗎?
- 好啊 - 拚一下,試試看
開始了,很好
繼續集中在腿上
盡量移動手臂
- 好 - 註意腳步
時間到
很好,妳挺強的,小姐
我都快喘死了
妳願意的話,還能做其他變化
妳能這樣踏腳
來來回回
或者妳能跳上去,往左
往右,重複,跳回箱子
- 好 - 再試一次
很好
集中在核心
深呼吸
吸氣又呼氣
好極了,再來一次
都還好嗎?
身體狀態良好,拖更久才會死
當死亡來臨
心靈想要離開,但身體繼續奮戰
每次心跳都在抵抗
那麼
更有理由要照顧自己
- 跟我同住的朋友快死了 - 很遺憾
來,坐下吧
過來
我能幫忙什麼嗎?
我希望能給妳一個擁抱
但我們不能再碰客戶了
因為會引起官司之類的
這也成了問題
因為光用語言很難幫人糾正姿勢
觸摸很重要
這個世界很荒謬又不近人情
我想短時間內不會改善
但謝謝你,我感覺被擁抱了
我一直想讀這本書
書名很棒吧?《情色浪人》
妳想買嗎?
我沒時間讀完
我喜歡這裡的陳列
妳看
瑪莎蓋爾霍恩
《地面觀點》
她寫道人只會獨鍾一場戰爭
之後只是在盡職責
妳獨鍾哪一場?
波士尼亞,無庸置疑
波士尼亞人為了生存 對抗裝備精良的軍隊
那打動了所有目睹這場滅絕的人
女性戰地記者寥寥無幾
戰爭是男人的事
妳要強悍得像個男人
對我不成問題,我一直活得像個男人
其實我想蜜雪兒真正失去的
是她人生中有個母親形像
這點我得承認,她是對的
別對自己太苛刻
看誰要來當地
關鍵人物呢
“情況會有多糟?
以誠信為城市生活導航”
妳想去嗎?
不想,我早就聽說了
我可不要重溫那種晚會
“我們都有自己的末日”
妳跟我在一起很無聊嗎?
不是啦,我是指他,他的演講
- 全球危機、氣候變遷 - 是啊
嗨
我喜歡你的頭髮
還可以
(書店,新書與二手書)
當噩夢來襲
我想到我愛過的所有男人
聽起來像一首歌
一首好歌
就算只是一夜情
有時我會想到達米安
我仍認為性愛是抵死的良藥
就像那些西班牙的聖衣會士
戰爭把我變成淫蕩女人,英格麗
挺好的
妳還有跟他聯絡嗎?
- 跟誰? - 達米安
偶爾吧
“情況會有多糟?”
這個嘛
比你想像的糟多了,達米安,親愛的
嗨
妳還好嗎?
我想寫作
寫不出來
這場戰爭讓我失去寫作能力
那看書呢?
妳喜歡看書
我試過了
我讀了我最愛的幾位作家
不再讓我著迷了
像是福克納
海明威
我專心不了
我的思緒飛向虛無
如果妳太累了
我能讀給妳聽
不只是讀的問題
所有樂趣都消退了
再也抓不到重點了
我的時間不多了
我不想浪費時間
好吧
那聽音樂呢?
我只聽得進鳥兒唱歌
幸好鳥兒每天都會獻上小夜曲
音樂讓我抽離
阻擋我正在進行的事
即使只是思考
也許化療影響了我的聽力
親愛的
自我消失得無影無蹤
我渴望身心的平靜
每當記憶浮現,我就想說話
我話太多了?
不會,妳盡量說
我喜歡聽妳說話
(四月廿五日,週四)
怎麼回事?
怎麼了?
妳的門關著,我以為妳...
我很抱歉
我開了窗
一定是風把門關上了
我的天啊
我還活著,妳沒必要對我生氣吧
就想作演練吧
現在妳知道會是如何
妳會有什麼感受
妳要打幾通電話
把我們討論過的事付諸行動
妳毫不知情
我們在度假
拜託別說了
好
(《一位陌生女子的來信》)
差不多要睡了?
還是小姐想繼續看電影?
妳跟我說過有《死者》?
還是我在做夢?
真的有
妳想看嗎?
好,麻煩了
找到了
來看吧
(《死者》)
“對,報紙說得對
愛爾蘭到處是雪
飄落在黑闇中部平原的各處
飄落在光禿禿的山上
輕輕飄落在愛倫沼澤
再往西,輕輕飄落
墜入陰鬱奔流的香儂河
我們逐一都成了影子
下雪了
飄落在孤獨的墓地 麥可費瑞安眠於此
在宇宙中微微飄落
微微飄落
彷彿進入最終尾聲
飄落在所有生者和死者身上”
妳有聽到嗎?
白天了
妳還活著
- 我走不動了 - 是嗎?
- 比我想像的困難 - 好
我需要坐下
好,來坐這裡
來,我幫妳
我扶住妳了,坐吧
很好
好了
- 好多了 - 很好
來這裡之前,我立了新遺囑
拜託先別談這個
我要把公寓和裡面的一切 都留給蜜雪兒和妳
我在妳的書桌裡找到妳的戰爭日誌
妳要我怎麼處理?
我能讀嗎?
妳當然能讀
我能說出妳的故事嗎?
妳想如何都行
我不會在了
我能這樣說嗎?
不行
好吧
先別談這些了
好,到時候見
“親愛的英格麗
今天的天氣真好,我覺得...”
嗨
- 都還好嗎? - 很好
微風很舒服
小心,有點冷
如果妳不需要我,我要去健身房
但妳想要我留下也行
不用,拜託去吧,我不想掃興
妳才不掃興,妳一直很乖
妳有跟教練聊過我的事嗎?
隨口提到的
我聊到保持狀態良好
心跳是為了求生
妳在醫院聊到的那些事
他看著我好像我是瘋子
我就跟他說我朋友病了,沒什麼
記住,妳毫不知情
過來,親我一下
- 妳還好嗎? - 還好
- 嗨 - 嗨
我對她說謊,我很內疚
- 妳總得練習 - 說謊?
對,官方說法是妳不知道瑪莎的意圖
好
我找了律師,以免妳需要
謝謝,先別談這個
你的演講順利嗎?
他們不太滿意我不接受提問
到了最後
大家開始抱怨,有人說我是懦夫
我不以為意
我耗掉太多時間維護名聲 為了什麼?
那你要怎麼消磨多出來的時間?
你有更常去做你喜歡的事嗎?
我得承認,隨著年紀我的興趣減少了
瑪莎幾天前也說過同樣的話
她能真正享受的事所剩無幾
我能理解
但你沒生病
對,但我有同感,尤其在疫情之後
我不去戲院,不聽音樂
我常看書
但只為了我演講的主題
你還會去畫廊嗎?你以前很愛去
我們在一起時,我們常去
討論藝術有多麼強大
你還是喜歡那樣嗎?
就算全世界的詩人都坐下來寫詩
寫氣候危機,連一棵樹也救不了
至少你對樹還有興趣
我對性也有興趣
那你沒那麼糟
我年輕時
如果一天少了性,我就覺得不完整
我還記得
我不是懷舊
但我懷念我們喝酒的夜晚
吸毒,做愛
不會讓我們偏離初衷的一切
是你喝酒和吸毒
起碼比我來得兇
我不知道妳喝了多少酒
但妳一向表現得跟我們一樣茫
玩樂絕對少不了妳
直到妳玩膩了,離開去探索歐洲
妳想談談嗎?
聊聊你的演講吧
我承認我變成狂熱份子
我的親生兒子不再理我
因為我得知他老婆又懷孕時 毫不遮掩我的震驚
他不要我接近她,擔心她會流產
什麼?你竟然阻止他再生小孩
這是他們的第三胎
那未來的合理選項是什麼?
大家開始自殺?
大家應該要永遠意識到
人類宜居的地球岌岌可危
也許妳對這種話題沒興趣
妳跟一個垂死的女人同住
這個世界同樣奄奄一息
你當真認為情況這麼絕望?
對,讀讀科學,看世界在幹嘛
人類釋放的二氧化碳比以往都多
遲早,我擔心會很快
這一切都會招天譴
加速地球滅亡最甚的
就是新自由主義的存活
還有極右派的崛起
這兩者正並肩前進
抱歉,我不想破壞妳的興致
但我對這種事火冒三丈
你不能到處跟人說沒希望了
這是悲劇
也許我這樣說令人不悅
但我對人類會走上正途徹底死心
我每天都有心理準備瑪莎會死在床上
但這不妨礙我跟她共享每一刻
恰好相反
我向她學習,你也應該
因為在悲劇中仍能盡情生活
必然會很痛苦
但我能承受
我努力活在她擁有的喜悅中
帶著同樣的感激
所以我最不需要像你這種言論
我一直很佩服妳的觀點
什麼?
妳是少數懂得受苦
卻不會讓別人感到自責
妳想還會更久嗎?
不,會很快,隨時會發生
妳要做好準備
我懂警察的做法
他們會問妳各種問題
拚命扒開妳們的關係
妳需要沙盤推演
我揣摩過,我有一套說詞
很好,堅強點,堅持妳的說法
事情發生時
妳應該先報警再打給我
不,我要打給她女兒 先打給她再打給你
好,但跟她說話要小心
我不得不把情況告訴律師
我們為何要像罪犯經歷這一切?
瀕死的人 難道無權有尊嚴地結束生命?
會的 一旦搖搖欲墜的醫療系統完全崩潰
瑪莎?
(英格麗,警察)
“親愛的英格麗
今天的天氣真好
我覺得該是離開的時候了
我很欣慰妳不在樓下的房間
儘管我的本意是有妳陪
但我向來即興發揮
我近乎心滿意足
當我在躺椅上離去
妳在外頭體驗我死亡以外的事物
誰都不能指控妳是共犯
妳對我的陪伴無與倫比
打電話給我女兒,轉達我的歉意
謝謝妳,親愛的”
瑪莎
我會依照妳的心意
我們吃了晚餐 看了巴斯特基頓的電影
我已經告訴你了
妳沒有註意到任何讓妳起疑的異樣?
- 盡量回想 - 我記得很清楚,那一晚很開心
毫無表示?她沒說什麼?
我們道晚安,然後我上樓
我看書到很晚
瑪莎推薦的書,書名是《情色浪人》
是關於伊莉莎白泰勒和李察波頓
- 你知道那本書嗎? - 不知道
瑪莎和我都覺得那本書很有趣
專心回答,避免離題
隔天早上妳做了什麼?
我跟一個朋友吃午餐
我回來時喊了她,她沒有回答
我就去她的臥室
但她不在
於是我走進後院
那時我看到她
起初我以為她在躺椅上睡覺
我很緊張,叫了救護車
他們很快就到,急救人員看了她
他們說愛莫能助
沒人會偶然買到這種藥
除非想要自殺或殺人
- 所以妳毫不知情? - 知情什麼?
她持有這種非法藥物
不知情,她服用藥物止痛
貼布和藥丸
但她沒有向我說明細節
這就怪了
既然妳們倆是好朋友 她卻什麼都沒說
這種藥不是隨便走進藥局就買得到
很難弄到
她租房子時
她已經計劃好了,對吧?
有可能,但她沒跟我說
她上次治療完已經筋疲力盡
她想休息一下 再回去進行下一輪化療
她不是那種會放棄的人
她沒有抱怨嗎?
她沒有說任何話讓妳覺得...
不想活了?
這對妳來說是重大責任
她有時會抱怨
她抱怨什麼?她說什麼?
她失去註意力
比如她讀不了或寫不了
她的人生只剩苟活
我覺得不可思議
她沒說讓妳懷疑她會尋短的話
明顯可見她病得很重
但她想在回醫院前去度假
我早就告訴你了
我們也跟瑪莎的幾位密友談過
她們都跟妳的證詞大致吻合
但其中一位,史黛拉拜恩
跟我們說,瑪莎完成化療後
她提議陪她去一間鄉間房子
她打算在那裡自殺
依她的說法是要求她
“在隔壁的房間”
她朋友拒絕了
我不在隔壁的房間,我在樓下的房間
我跟拜恩太太談話 並通知她自殺一事時
她說她不驚訝
瑪莎的行為有另一個稱法,安樂死
隨妳怎麼稱呼
但對我來說,妳朋友的作為是犯罪
身為警察、人類、信仰者
我極力反對任何人犯罪
當然還有任何協助或容忍犯罪的人
達米安,請來警局
沒完沒了
妳要怎麼解釋妳朋友瑪莎
對拜恩太太這麼坦誠
卻完全沒跟妳說她的意圖?
我會保持緘默
如果要逮捕我,請報上罪名
否則我會在走廊等我的律師
妳料事如神呢
妳怎麼會想到需要律師?
不妨問你朋友,他目睹了訊問過程
我覺得妳在說謊
妳這種人不會拒絕朋友
儘管朋友請求妳幫她自殺
讓她走
嗨
- 嗨 - 嗨
- 妳好嗎? - 我很好
這是我的律師,莎拉
- 幸會 - 謝謝過來
別客氣,達米安都告訴我了
訊問有什麼重點嗎?
他簡直把我當成兇手
但妳和我在一起
他不在乎,他堅持我有牽連
不過
他跟瑪莎的朋友史黛拉拜恩談過
她說瑪莎先找她,但她拒絕幫她
好,這些一定都有錄音
這位警官目睹了一切
妳能進來了
我進去就好,我是她的律師
別擔心,情況很明朗
- 謝謝過來 - 舉手之勞
老天,真是混蛋
我從沒遇過這種惡劣態度
妳很不湊巧遇到宗教狂
但他不會再打擾妳,我會投訴
感謝妳大力幫忙
妳在接下來卌八小時內仍要隨傳隨到
直到法醫手續完成
我請他們必要時打給我
我會待在那間房子 妳的資訊都齊了?
對,達米安都告訴我了
有事就打給我,好嗎?
我要回辦公室了
- 請節哀 - 謝謝
- 謝了,莎拉 - 再見
不敢相信史黛拉告訴他了
他可能是逼她上鉤
他們有瑪莎的電腦和手機
妳知道她們談過?
不知道,她完全沒有提到
妳有何打算?
我要回去那間房子,打包瑪莎的東西
抱歉
喂?
我是
是蜜雪兒
瑪莎的女兒?
沒問題,妳當然能過來
我現在要過去,我把地址傳給妳
好,待會見
果不其然
我要回市區了
妳回來時告訴我,我會幫妳搬家
感謝萬分
妳再跟我說蜜雪兒的情況
我會的
- 謝謝,我會打給你 - 好,保重
妳好,我是蜜雪兒
我是英格麗
嗨
我們進去吧,好嗎?
好
請進
妳想看妳母親的房間嗎?
好,麻煩了
就在那邊,走道盡頭
我煮了咖啡
妳要喝嗎?
還有茶
咖啡就行,謝謝
請便
她有提到我嗎?
當然有
她說妳很生氣沒見過生父
她有跟妳說我爸的事?
她提過
妳不覺得他從戰場回來她能幫他嗎?
她盡力幫他了
妳爸回來時有重大創傷
他想搬到別的城市展開新生活
他的計劃從來不包括妳或瑪莎
妳母親接受這段關係的結束
她看到他變得很落魄
她親了他,想讓他安心
那個吻演變成別的結局
妳就是那一刻的結果
我媽從來沒跟我說過這些事
很難跟小孩解釋這種事
她能之後告訴我
那時妳們已經疏遠到她覺得無法修復
她當時是青少年,有遠大人生
妳爸搬到聖地牙哥,他不想跟妳相認
那麼,英格麗
妳覺得我對瑪莎的看法大錯特錯嗎?
妳誤會她了
但沒人能怪妳想要尋父
這是個悲傷故事,妳們倆都很痛苦
別對自己太苛求
瑪莎不是完美的母親
她並不是
我今晚能留在這裡嗎?
當然,這是妳母親的房子
“親愛的瑪莎
妳應該會想要知道
我回到樹林小屋収拾妳的東西
妳女兒來找我
我仍在發抖
她看起來太像妳了
她問我能不能留下,睡妳的床
我當然答應了
我想妳的死讓她更親近妳
我從沒想過會収留她
哪怕只是一天
房子裡滿是妳的影子
我跟警察談完進來時
最初映入我眼簾的是妳房間的門
門是開著
我對自己說:‘她還活著’”
我出來聽鳥叫聲
妳母親起床也會這樣
黎明時分
躺在那裡
看,下雪了
“下雪了”
飄落在我們未使用的寂寞泳池
飄落在樹林
我們走過和妳躺過之處
妳疲倦地躺在地上
飄落在你女兒和我身上
“飄落在所有生者和死者身上”